Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearence. Discuss both views and give your opinion

Many
people
believe that being successful in life comes from devotion and being hard,
while
other
people
argue that there are more significant reasons
such
as external looking and
money
.
This
writer believes that hard
work
and
determination
are the most essential factors for
this
statement. There are many beliefs about success from
determination
and hard
work
. It is true that with
determination
, many students can identify their goals or task achievements that inspire them.
However
, it is not enough to be successful, devotion just helps you target your goal but does not help you in making it come true. With the help of hard
work
, those targets can be achieved. The personality provides a power that makes
people
not stop thinking about the goal and find a way to solve it.
Moreover
, hard
work
makes anyone keep going on and makes that person
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
fall down. Take the example of Ho Chi Minh, the first Resident of Vietnam, with the hope of making his country independent, he travelled through many other countries to find a solution and
then
came back to Vietnam to make it free.
Nevertheless
, there are considerations about the factors that influence success like
money
and appearance. Many
people
have their own idea to be developed to make the world better but they do not have enough capital to do it. It is well-known that everything can mostly be brought by
money
,
also
the outlooking. Your appearance will make someone impress you and
that is
the opportunity to be successful.
For instance
, when there are two interviewers with the same ability, the one who is good-looking is more likely to be chosen than the other. In my opinion,
money
is not the first concern to be successful, but
determination
. If you are
devoting
Wrong verb form
devoted
show examples
to something, you will not lose it in any situation, it will be around in your head and with the support from hard
work
anything can become true. In conclusion, both statements have good sides that really affect success in life but
this
writer believes it is more important to focus on
determination
and hard
work
.
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coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay has a clear and logical structure. This means having a coherent introduction, body paragraphs that each focus on a single idea, and a conclusion that summarizes your arguments and restates your opinion.
coherence cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices appropriately. This includes linking words or phrases like 'furthermore,' 'on the other hand,' and 'in conclusion' to help guide the reader through your essay and make your ideas more connected.
task achievement
Respond completely to all parts of the task. Make sure you discuss both views mentioned in the prompt thoroughly and provide a clear opinion on the issue.
task achievement
Present clear, comprehensive ideas. This involves developing your arguments thoroughly, providing sufficient details, and ensuring that your essay has depth and insight.
task achievement
Include relevant, specific examples to support your points. This strengthens your arguments and makes your essay more convincing. Examples can be from your own experience, historical events, or hypothetical scenarios that illustrate your point effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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