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Band 4.5

Some people believe that it is a good idea that older people continue to work if it is possible for them to do so. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #idea #work
it is true that the elderly should continue to work
while
 they have the ability. I strongly agree with
this
 argument and
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 will explain in more detail in the following essay. On the one hand, older
people
 should be allowed to keep their jobs if they still have enough ability to do their vocational. It helps them for more comfortable and better for their health. Working helps us exercise our limbs and brain.
On the other hand
, they can't lose relationships in society so they can get happy.
Moreover
, they can get to work with their friends and close relatives so older
people
 can bond together.
Besides
, the second reason why older
people
 should continue to be in employment
that is
 they can make more money to reduce the burden on their children. Older
people
 can pay for some things in life like food, clothes and tuition fees for children in the family.
In contrast
, elders can be a good example to their family. Their children should learn from that. In conclusion,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 believe that taking the work of older
people
 when they still have
ability
Correct article usage
the ability
show examples
 is very good. It will help them to improve their health and other positive things.
Submitted by lyhuongclc on

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Introduction Enhancement
Make sure your introduction clearly presents your viewpoint and outlines the main points that will be discussed in your essay. Adding a sentence that briefly introduces your arguments can make your introduction stronger.
Coherence Improvement
To improve coherence, logically organize your paragraphs and link them with appropriate transitional phrases. This helps in smooth flow from one idea to the next.
Cohesion Enhancement
For better cohesion, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea, supported by relevant examples or explanations. Clearer topic sentences at the beginning of paragraphs can aid in this.
Conclusion Strengthening
In your conclusion, succinctly restate your position and summarise the main points from the body of your essay. Avoid introducing new information.
Task Achievement
Enhance your task response by providing more specific examples and elaborating on how the points you make directly support your opinion. This adds depth and persuasiveness to your argument.
Language Accuracy
Be mindful of grammar, punctuation, and vocabulary. Diverse sentence structures and accurate word choices can significantly impact the readability and professionalism of your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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