SomeSome People Think That Success In Life Comes From Hard Work And Determination, While Others Think That There Are More Important Factors Such As Money And Appearance

Working hard and being determined are believed to be a key to a bright future.
However
, insist that
money
and looks play a greater
role
in helping a person succeed. In my opinion, both views have their merits.
While
good looks or
money
alone cannot help a person succeed, in many
fields
hard
work
or
determination
is not sufficient either. On the
one
hand,hard
work
and
determination
can reduce the length of the road to
success
.
To begin
with ,on that road ,there are many difficulties which are the barriers.We need to be hard-working to break them.
Moreover
,paying attention studiously to
work
can help us collect experience,
being
Wrong verb form
be
show examples
more flexible and open our knowledge,all of them are going to contribute to increasing exponentially our chances of
success
.
Besides
that,
determination
is an enormous source of energy,it plays an important
role
in improving mood when working, releasing the stress from the workplace ,and keeping the ambition not to give up our job.
For instance
, James Cameron, a major figure in the post-new Hollywood era, and
one
of the industry's most innovative filmmakers,used to be a poor driver.But having worked hard and been determined,he was successful in achieving his dreams.
On the other hand
, there are certain other
fields
where good looks or wealth can help a person succeed. In show business,
for example
, attractive looks play a huge
role
. Good looks are extremely important for someone who wants to be an actor or television show host.
Money
can
also
help
one
buy
success
. Rich kids often get to study in Ivy colleges even if they are not particularly brilliant. The connections they make there help them achieve greater
success
in future.
In addition
, they have capital to invest so
success
comes to them more easily.Even in
fields
like medicine, law or business, attractive looks improve a hardworking person’s
success
substantially. Clients may prefer a good-looking attorney to a plain
one
. Good looks
also
enhance a person’s self-confidence. They are not exactly afraid of rejection and
this
confidence
also
plays a crucial
role
in boosting their
success
. In conclusion, in some
fields
, hard
work
and
determination
are enough to achieve
success
.
However
, there are certain other
fields
where looks matter more. That said, good looks or
money
alone will not suffice. Attractive and rich people
also
have to try
although
they have it a whole lot easier.

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Task Achievement
You've presented a balanced view, acknowledging both sides of the argument effectively. To improve, ensure you develop each point with more detailed examples and explanation. This specificity will make your argument more compelling and improve your score in task achievement.
Introduction & Conclusion
Your essay shows a good structure with a clear introduction and conclusion. To enhance your score, consider adding a more impactful thesis statement in your introduction and a more reflective final statement in your conclusion. This will create a stronger opening and closing impression.
Logical Structure
You've maintained a logical flow of ideas between paragraphs. However, to increase your score in coherence and cohesion, focus on improving the transitions between ideas within paragraphs. Use varied linking phrases to ensure smoother transitions and to help your reader follow your argument more easily.
Supported Main Points
While you provide examples to support your points, try to integrate these examples more fluidly into your discussion. Explaining the significance of each example in relation to your main argument will strengthen your essay's coherence and cohesion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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