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Writing Samples
Band 7

The table below shows the numbers of same day and overnight stays in public and private hospitals in 5 Australian states for last year. The pie chart below shows percentages of same day and overnight stays in public and private hospitals in the same 5 Australian states.

The table below shows the numbers of same day and overnight stays in public and private hospitals in 5 Australian states for last year. The pie chart below shows percentages of same day and overnight stays in public and private hospitals in the same 5 Australian states.
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The given charts illustrate data regarding the
number
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 of
patients
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 who came and left within the same day and who stayed for one or more nights in public and private hospitals in five areas of
Australia
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last
Linking Words
 year.Units are measured in thousands and percentages for the table and pie chart,respectively.
Overall
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,what stands out from the graphs is that most people stayed in public hospitals rather than personal ones. Looking into detail,New South Wales had the highest
number
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 of people with 6097. A significant
number
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 of
patients
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 were in Victoria and Queensland(4607 and 3128 respectively). In other parts of
Australia
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,namely Western
Australia
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 and South
Australia
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,there were fewer
patients
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 compared to the others and they all together accounted for about 3000. With regard to private ones,people who had health problems flocked mostly to New South Wales, Victoria and Queensland(about 2100 for each of them).Personal healthcare services in other areas had the lowest
number
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 of individuals with 829 and 617 respectively. As for the pie chart,the largest proportion of
patients
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 were in public healthcare services both overnight and same-day stays(around one-third). Meanwhile,the figures for private same day and private overnight were the least and together were responsible for 40%.

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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, patients, australia with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "stayed" was used 2 times.
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