Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while others think that they are more important factors such as money and appearance. Discuss both view and give your opinion?

Many opinions may say that beauty and property will lead to a successful life.
However
, it is the writer's viewpoint that
hardworking
Correct word choice
hard work
show examples
and determination are the initial factors of success. It should be considered that industriousness and effort have a profound impact on one's success.
This
is a long road to go, so tolerance or hard work is needed in everyone's characteristics. By being tolerated,
people
can develop a sense of studiousness during their job and
also
improve their aim for a career.
As a result
, those characteristics will help them to strengthen their determination to succeed and
also
train for their own qualities. Taking a Vietnamese businessman as an example,
although
he had only a small salary, he founded his own cafe brand and developed it into an international brand through his ambition and effort. Turning to the sense outlook and
poperty
Correct your spelling
property
which is known as the main factors for achievement. It is true when the toehold of an almost successful life is the capital and a good presence. Money can assist
people
a lot in solving and developing their careers, especially young
people
who are new founders.
Moreover
, debut can help
people
to have a better experience in meeting with counterparties or raising profit for their startup.
For example
, to be successful in entertainment jobs,
such
as actors or singers, requires a friendly presentation and property. From the writer's point of view, being studious is much more practical than appearance
although
both aspects have positive effects on our accomplishments.
However
, beauty and money are not long-lasting selections for their career so having an attempt can strengthen their ambition slowly.
Furthermore
,
this
character can help them to gain experience in their work that can
also
provide them in other fields. In conclusion, indeed working hard can secure a bright future for most of us as an ordinary, but there are some other factors that could
also
lead to achievement
such
as great fortune and a mesmerizing appearance.

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task achievement
To enhance task achievement, ensure a clearer distinction between your opinion and the discussion points. While your essay does touch upon both views, making your stance even more prominent throughout the essay will enrich its depth.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, consider incorporating more varied linking devices to efficiently connect your ideas and paragraphs. This can make your essay flow more naturally and enhance overall readability.
coherence cohesion
To further improve coherence, try to provide more specific and varied examples to support your points. While the examples given are good, diversifying them across different contexts or industries can strengthen your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • perseverance
  • discipline
  • resilience
  • effort
  • tenacity
  • external factors
  • financial resources
  • favorable appearance
  • perceptions
  • advantages
  • intrinsic
  • extrinsic
  • sustainable
  • facilitating
  • undeniable
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