IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Over consuming sugar is unhealthy. Some people think that the government should take responsibility to control it. Others think that individuals should take responsibility for sugar intake. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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People
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 have different views about the excessive amount of
sugar
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consumption
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.
While
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 some believe that officials are responsible for controlling the high
consumption
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 of
sugar
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, others believe that
people
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 should take that
responsibility
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, I think that individuals should take charge of reducing the
consumption
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 of
sugar
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 for their health. On the one hand, the government should take the lead to lower
sugar
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consumption
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. By increasing the
sugar
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 price,
people
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 will reduce the amount of
sugar
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 they use in their daily lives.
In addition
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, the government could guide schools to provide more organic
food
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 choices for students other than sweets and desserts,
thus
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 lowering the use of
sugar
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 for children and young
people
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. In the USA,
for example
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, most of the North state schools provide a variety of
food
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 in their cafeterias that are
sugar
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-free, which helps reduce the amount of
sugar
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 students consume.
On the other hand
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,
people
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 have the main
responsibility
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 to lower the overuse of
sugar
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 in their lives. They can adopt a balanced diet with more organic
food
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 or use different sources of
sugar
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 like honey. Many supermarkets have huge collections of organic
food
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 and free-
sugar
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 products that
people
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 can buy.
Furthermore
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,
people
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also
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 should control their eating habits of fast
food
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 that has a high percentage of
sugar
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.
For instance
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, many YouTube channels provide information on how to make
sugar
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-free desserts at home with simple ingredients without paying too much money to buy sweets from shops. In conclusion, the government and individuals share the
responsibility
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 to reduce the overuse of
sugar
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, I believe that individuals should take the main
responsibility
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 for their health and manage the overconsumption of
sugar
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.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, try to link your ideas and paragraphs with more cohesive devices to improve the flow.
task achievement
Your main points are well-supported with examples, but you could add more detailed evidence or explanations to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
Make sure to address both views in more detail to show a balanced discussion.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the task prompt comprehensively. You have successfully discussed both views and provided a clear opinion.
coherence cohesion
The main ideas are logically organized, making it easy for the reader to follow your arguments.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which frame your essay well.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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