IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Many individuals think that working hard and determination will lead to
the
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success
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 in life,
while
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the
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others think that
the
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factors like
money
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 and appearance are more important.
This
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 writer believes in the former opinion because
of
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hard
work
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 is a key to
success
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 and will discuss both views in
this
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 writing essay. On the one hand, hard
work
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 is an important reason
lead
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apply
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to be successful. It must be acknowledged that when
people
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work
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 hard, they just focus on what they are doing and they will
work
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 effectively.
Due to
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it
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this
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, they can gain more respect from their colleagues and their bosses and increase their opportunities to get
promotion
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promotions
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. Take students at school as an example, the students who
working
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work
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 hard will gain good grades and these students will get the respect
from
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of
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 their teachers and their friends.
This
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 benefit is the basement of
success
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 in their future.
On the other hand
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,
the
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factors
such
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 as
money
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 or outlook
also
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 bring
success
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 in
individual’s
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an individual’s
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 future. The way
people
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 look will help them to have the first impression from other
people
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. These
people
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 will assess
through
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apply
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their appearance and decide
to
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whether to
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 make
friend
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friends
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 with them or not. Take
businessman
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businessmen
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 as an example, these
people
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 often spend a large amount of
money
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 to take care of
them selves
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themselves
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 to become more fashionable and professional.
Due to
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it
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this
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, their counterparts base
on
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their on
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 how they look and
then
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 decide to give some
advices
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advice
pieces of advice
bits of advice
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 to
work
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 with.
To conclude
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, most
of
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successful
people
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 are hardworking and
this
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 character helps them to become
a
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rich and successful.
However
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,
the
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apply
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factors like
money
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 and outlook
also
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 bring benefits so
people
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 have to balance these
character
Replace the word
characteristics
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 to be successful in
their
Change the word
the
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 future.

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task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to support your arguments. This will help to make your essay more convincing and grounded.
task achievement
Focus on clarifying and elaborating your ideas. Some points you've made could benefit from further explanation to ensure they are fully understood by the reader.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a logical structure by clearly connecting your ideas and arguments. Use transition words and phrases to guide the reader through your text.
coherence cohesion
Incorporate an introduction and conclusion that more effectively summarize your main points and thesis. This will help to frame your essay more clearly.
coherence cohesion
Work on developing your main points further. Spend more time elaborating on each point with more details and depth. This will make your argument stronger and more persuasive.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • perseverance
  • discipline
  • resilience
  • effort
  • tenacity
  • external factors
  • financial resources
  • favorable appearance
  • perceptions
  • advantages
  • intrinsic
  • extrinsic
  • sustainable
  • facilitating
  • undeniable
What to do next:
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