Many people believe that social networking sites (such as Facebook, Zalo,...) have a negative impact on both individuals and society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In
this
contemporary society, most
people
use Social Network Services
such
as Instagram, YouTube, and Twitter. Concerning
this
issue, some
people
are of the opinion that these are affect on personally and even our society. I only partly endorse
this
view and will explain in detail my viewpoint
further
in
this
essay. Undoubtedly, there are some noteworthy reasons why some
people
think that using Internet services has positive effects on our community. First and foremost, one of the representative reasons is that networking services provide diverse data. If
people
have a travelling plan, they can browse popular restaurants, the weather and social issues.
Due to
this
reason, finding data is easier than in the past.
Secondly
,
people
can communicate with various
people
by using SNS systems
such
as Direct Message, iMessage, and Zoom. In the company, they can do video conferencing with their co-workers who working in other countries.
On the other hand
, there are some pessimistic
people
with
this
view mentioned above. The most reasonable one is that diverse networking sites contain violent and sexual content. So when children access
this
visual information, it has a negative influence on their mental health.
Secondly
, when some
people
addicted
Add a missing verb
are addicted
show examples
to the Internet, it
effects
Replace the word
affects
show examples
people
's social interactions.
Last
but not least,
people
waste their time. In a nutshell, weighing up both sides of the argument,
although
it influences
people
's mental problems, I strongly believe that SNS have effects in positive ways
such
as massive information, wide communication, and education.
Submitted by wowoo04066 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay follows a logical structure, which is great. However, to further improve, make sure each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that signals the paragraph’s main idea. Linking words are used, but you could benefit from a wider range and more precise usage of these to enhance the flow of your essay.
task achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure that your position is clear throughout the essay. While you did present a personal viewpoint, making it more prominent from the introduction could strengthen your argument. Additionally, directly addressing the question 'to what extent do you agree or disagree?' in your conclusion could make your stance clearer to the reader.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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