Some people think the government should spend more money on public service rather than waste money on arts (i.e. music and painting). To extent do you agree or disagree?

It is widely believed that the authorities ought to use cash to develop
comunity
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community
facility
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facilities
show examples
instead
expendituring
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expenditure
art
. I strongly concur with that view for a number of reasons which will be outlined in
this
essay. It is evident that focusing on developing and investing in public services will help
citizen
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citizens
show examples
"lives become better, since if
people
enjoy good care and public services, they will have healthy mental and physical health, which will help them work harder and more productively,
therefore
helping the economy of
country
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the country
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rise. It is a fact that in developed countries, civic amenities for residents are very modern and so
convinient
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convenient
and extremely good, which helps
they
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them
show examples
always feel secure in terms of mental and physical health. Thanks to that, they are
constanly
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constantly
working hard to contribute to the nation.
Futhermore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
, public
ultility
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utility
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
accessible to all local
people
as only a minority of the population is interested in arts
such
as music or painting. That's why investing money in arts will lead to a huge public outcry, they will feel discriminated against and they will easily be
distacted
Correct your spelling
distracted
by bad elements to do bad things
such
as riots
ans
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and
strikes, which make the
country
to
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apply
show examples
easily become chaotic.
However
,
deeveloping
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developing
arts can make
people
feel happier in their souls. And
this
can make them less likely to suffer from mental health illnesses like depression. Reality has shown that thousands of
people
who
keen
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are keen
show examples
on
art
and love it
usually
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are usually
show examples
very pleasant
people
in
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with
show examples
sociable lives, who always live very peacefully, they often care about other
people
and
this
will help society become better.
Moreover
, Strongly developed
art
may
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
help attract more tourists to visit and
this
will benefit
country's
Correct article usage
the country's
show examples
economy. According
ti
Correct your spelling
to
show examples
research, the biggest reason
people
choose to travel to
another places
Replace the adjective
another place
other places
show examples
is because there are many famous
art
venues
such
as a large and modern theater
or
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
there
Correct your spelling
where
show examples
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
famous paintings are displayed.
This
will help
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
in tourist-attracting countries earn more income and
also
help a
country
's economy develop more. In conclusion, I am of the opinion that the
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
should pay more attention to investing in public services.
Submitted by okookk123456 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure the essay has a clear structure: introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea. The transition between paragraphs could be smoother to improve the logical flow.
coherence cohesion
Introduce each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that reflects the main idea, followed by supporting details and examples. Make sure the conclusion summarizes the main points effectively.
task achievement
Address the essay prompt comprehensively by discussing both views before stating your opinion. Ensure your viewpoint is evident throughout the essay, especially in the conclusion.
task achievement
To improve clarity, work on sentence structure and use a variety of sentence types. Avoid overly long sentences that may confuse the reader. Employ precise vocabulary to express your ideas more effectively.
task achievement
Incorporate specific, real-world examples to support your arguments better. This will not only prove your point but will also make your essay more engaging and persuasive.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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