IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that newcomer should follow the rules of the new country while others believe they should keep their own customs.Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #newcomer #rules #country #customs
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Whether or not the newcomers should keep their own
customs
 or follow the
customs
 of the new
country
 is a source of controversy in today’s society.
This
 essay aims to shed light on both types of
view
Fix the agreement mistake
views
show examples
 and reveals my viewpoint toward
this
 debate. On the
on
Correct your spelling
one
show examples
 hand, those who agree that people should follow the new
country
’s
traditions
 have their own respective opinions. By following the rules of the host
country
, individuals can easily eliminate some detrimental effects of culture shock. First and foremost, going after the rules or
traditions
 everyone can find his or her place in society which can pave the way for getting rid of disorientation and a feeling of solidarity.
Secondly
, it may be profitable for
travelers
Change the spelling
travellers
show examples
 to create a vivid outlook and gain knowledge about different nations and
traditions
.
For instance
, there are abundant
traditions
 each of which has divergent rites and ceremonies
that
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 very helpful for cultivating open-mindedness.
On the other hand
, I like many others, keep the view that it is important to keep their own
customs
 as much as possible. People all over the world have their self-identity and
traditions
 rooted in ancestral heritages. Pursuing their own
customs
 is necessary to remember and breathe life into their conventions.
Furthermore
, it is very crucial to represent your
country
 and its rituals in different
part
Fix the agreement mistake
parts
show examples
 of the world
for making
Change preposition
to make
show examples
 it well-known and respectful among diverse nations. All in all,
although
 chasing the
traditions
 of
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 new
country
 can be considered beneficial against culture shock, I tend to believe that it is worth keeping your own
customs
due to
 self-identity.
Submitted by bhoswriting on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay presents a clear discussion of both views and your opinion, showing a good understanding of the task. However, to improve task achievement, ensure that your response fully addresses all parts of the task, including discussing both views in equal measure and providing a more explicit statement of your opinion.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, aim to structure your essay more logically. This includes a clearer introduction with a thesis statement, distinct paragraphs with topic sentences for each view, and a more impactful conclusion that restates your opinion and summarizes the main points.
task achievement
While you provided examples to support your points, try to include more relevant and specific examples to strengthen your arguments further. This will enhance the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas, making your essay more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Remember to review and edit your essay for any grammatical errors, and focus on using a variety of sentence structures and vocabulary to convey your points more effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: