IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Introduction
In today's world
smartphones
Use synonyms
 are
the an
Choose an article
the
an
show examples
 essential part of our lives and the use of
smartphones
Use synonyms
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 compulsory to manage our jobs but excessive and unnecessary use of
this
Linking Words
 amazing invention is creating many issues in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
Body paragraph 1
We know very well
smartphones
Use synonyms
 are very popular among children because of their smartness and interesting features and we can't deny
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 fact that children are more addicted to
smartphones
Use synonyms
 rather than adults.
Body paragraph 2
I think, the situation is extremely dangerous and should be handled seriously.
This
Linking Words
 equipment is like a silent killer and damaging our kid’s mental and physical health gradually.
Body paragraph 3
There are many reasons behind the issue but in spite of all that it’s not too late and we are not at the point of no return. But we should
be realized
Wrong verb form
realise
show examples
 and be aware of the worst situation and try to take some important steps to overcome these horrible happenings.
Body paragraph 4
Firstly
Linking Words
, we should be fully involved with our kids
about
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their studies and other school activities. We should have proper information
of
Change preposition
about
show examples
their
Correct pronoun usage
our
show examples
 friends.
Body paragraph 5
Secondly
Linking Words
, Parents should be responsible
of
Change the preposition
for
show examples
 their children's attitude. So teach them unconsciously about their behavior with
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
. Parents should spend some time with their kids on
regular
Correct article usage
a regular
show examples
 basis and should talk
them
Change preposition
to them
show examples
 about different issues.
Body paragraph 6
Physical activity and playing sports at nearby grounds could be helpful to away them from
smartphones
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
Linking Words
Lastly
Add a comma
Lastly,
show examples
 I, conclude my submissions on the note that technology never creates problems. It’s upon us how we use the invention. And let me say that if we want to give them a better future so that their lives will be helpful for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mankind,
then
Linking Words
 we as parents, should understand our responsibility and take it seriously.

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Task response
To improve your score, make sure to clearly address all parts of the task. The question asks for reasons for children's smartphone usage and whether you believe it's positive or negative. While you've discussed the negative aspects well, a more balanced viewpoint or clearer statement on your position would enhance task completion.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay can benefit from a clearer structure. Introduce your main points in the introduction, discuss them in separate paragraphs, and conclude by summarizing your stance. Transition words like 'Firstly,' 'Secondly,' and 'Lastly' help, but ensure each paragraph presents a clear, main idea with sufficient support.
Task response
To better meet the task requirements, include more specific examples that support your points. Personal experiences or observable trends can significantly bolster your argument and make your essay more engaging and convincing to the reader.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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