Some people think that success in left comes from hard work and determination while others think that there are more important factors such as many appearance. Discuss both view and give your opinion.
According to some
people believe that by being hard Change preposition
Some
work
and determinating
lead to success. Despite having a lot of Replace the word
determination
money
is a
crucial Correct article usage
apply
necessary
for turning into succeed person. From my Correct word choice
apply
perpective
view, Correct your spelling
perspective
Change preposition
apply
in
both views have Change preposition
apply
Correct pronoun usage
their
theirs
positive and negative Correct pronoun usage
their
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
effect
on the way they Fix the agreement mistake
effects
are becoming
successful in many Wrong verb form
become
factor
Fix the agreement mistake
factors
money
is not sufficient either.
When you work
hard with determination your chance of success exponentially. The asperity
in real life is one of the most significant Correct article usage
Asperity
chance
Change to a plural noun
chances
like
as people be able to be more Change preposition
apply
pressured
than Change the form of the verb
pressure
normal
Add an article
a normal
the normal
person
and by the way they can learn how to Fix the agreement mistake
people
satisfied
, clever and cunning in all circumstances when they Add a missing verb
be satisfied
work
with colleagues, boss
and counterparties. Fix the agreement mistake
bosses
For instance
, students Correct pronoun usage
who came
came
from Wrong verb form
come
in
different social Change preposition
apply
stratas
have their own way Correct your spelling
strata
to earn
Change preposition
of earning
money
. Poor have to gain more oppoturnities
by trying hard Correct your spelling
opportunities
work
all time
and almost want to become a professional person like doctors, engineers, Correct article usage
the time
entrepreneurs
. Correct word choice
or entrepreneurs
This
work
they choose to concede changing the world they lived in the past.
Futhermore
, there are some people who believe Correct your spelling
Furthermore
money
is everything in life, it could make you famous and more reputation
. Correct article usage
a reputation
In addition
to bring
wealthy , being good - looking who Correct your spelling
being
lead
you to the same. Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
Although
, it is somehow correct, in my opinion there is much chance of this
. In view of this
, we rarely see a wealthy human who reaches their goal without working will eventually will failure
. Wrong verb form
fail
For instance
a businessman will never success
only being rich.
In Replace the word
succeed
conclusion
everything mentioned and both views are all keys to reading what you want. Add a comma
conclusion,
However
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Task Achievement
Your essay does represent both viewpoints as the prompt requested, and you provide your opinion. However, the development of ideas is somewhat superficial. To improve, ensure that each viewpoint is explored in depth, with more detailed examples and analysis. Also, directly state your opinion in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion for greater clarity.
Coherence & Cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is present but could be clearer. Try to organize your essay into distinct paragraphs, each addressing a specific aspect of the question. A clear introductory paragraph setting out what you will discuss, followed by separate paragraphs for each viewpoint and your opinion, and a conclusion summarizing your argument, will improve your score in this area.
Coherence & Cohesion
The main points are supported, but the use of examples is not as strong as it could be. To score higher, incorporate specific, detailed examples that clearly illustrate the points you are making. Additionally, linking your examples more closely to the main argument of the paragraph will help to strengthen your essay.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.