IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

**At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people.** **Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?**

#**at #time #population #countries #adults #people #**do #situation
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There are ongoing discourse on whether large populations of young
adults
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is
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are
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 better than
the
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a
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number
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 of older
people
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. Some might think the
number
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 of older
people
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 is better than a large
number
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 of young
adults
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.
However
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, I feel compelled to the idea that there are more advantages of the situation where increasing of younger
generation
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 than others. First of all,
arising
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raising
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 young
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adults
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adult
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 generations encourages individuals to enhance the quality of lives. In response to the decreasing
number
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 of birth rates, many expert opinions and research statistics reinforce the idea that supporting
increasing
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an increasing
the increasing
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number
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 of young
adults
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 enables individuals to find satisfaction in their lives.
For instance
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,
during
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while
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 taking care of
baby
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the baby
a baby
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 to growing up, parents can realize
value
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the value
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 of family relationships, contributing to
find
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finding
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 genuine
fulfillment
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fulfilment
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 in their
live
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lives
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. Another reason that increasing of younger
generation
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 would be advantageous is that it would help economic growth. Younger
adults
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 can develop their skills or discover new technologies, contributing to
enhance
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enhancing
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 good effects on capitalism. On the other
hands
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hand
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, there are disadvantages
of
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to
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 a large
number
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 of young
adults
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.
Younger
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The younger
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generation
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are
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is
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 not fully
skillful
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skilful
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 in many
perspective
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perspectives
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,
such
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 as business
manner
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manners
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 or living one’s life compared to older
people
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 , individuals need to take
a
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apply
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time and learn to be
best
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the best
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 version of themselves.
Moreover
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, by rising
a
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the
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number
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 of younger
people
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,
generation
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 gaps can arise
one
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as one
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 of
social
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the social
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 issues among
people
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, leading to miscommunication between young and older
people
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. In conclusion, the advantage of a population with a higher
number
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 of young
adults
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offer
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offers
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 opportunities to enjoy a better quality of
lives
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life
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 and develop economic perspectives.
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task achievement
Develop and support your main points. Although you outlined the advantages and disadvantages, further supporting details and concrete examples to back up your points would make your argument stronger.
coherence cohesion
Work on creating more cohesive links between ideas. Using a wider range of linking words and clear topic sentences can help improve the overall flow of your essay.
task achievement
Strive for greater clarity and specificity in your examples. The use of specific and detailed examples will strengthen your argument and make your essay more compelling.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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