IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work
Some argue that student should only
study
 their main
subjects
 to achieve
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
academic success and they do not need to
study
 other
subjects
. I think
this
 will make
students
 be difficult to cope with their daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 and pose a threat to their
health
,
although
 they may have more job opportunities. The young will not have
time
 to kick back if all the non-academic courses disappear. Nowadays, young
people
 are busy with their compulsory classes and they even can not have a rest. So the other courses,
such
 as music class or painting class can be a good
time
 for them to relax. If these
subjects
 are diminished,
students
 will be more tired and the lack of rest will present a challenge to their
health
, especially their mental
health
. They may have a depression and the depression will
finally
 damage their physical
health
-- they may try to kill themselves!
This
 opinion may
also
 lead to a lack of
life
 experience and
then
students
 can not live a good
life
 when they are mature and they require to live on their own. Unacademic classes can teach
students
 how to solve the problems they may
meet
Verb problem
encounter
show examples
 in daily
life
. if they have never learnt about
this
 knowledge, they can not live a happy
life
 alone.
For instance
, if they have never studied cookery, cooking by themselves will be impossible for them.
Then
 they may have to eat fast food and live an unhealthy
life
.
However
, that view has its own advantages. Young
people
 who only
study
 main classes may have more vocational opportunities than others. Most companies only lay emphasis on
students
' specialised skills. And everyone has 24 hours per day, so if young
people
 spend all their
time
 on compulsory courses, they will
study
 their main
subjects
 for a longer
time
 than those who spend part of their
time
 on other
subjects
.
As a result
, it is more probable for them to get higher scores in academic
subjects
, which is considered as the symbol of owning better-specialised abilities.
Then
, companies are willing to give them jobs.
To sum up
, if we remove all the non-academic
subjects
, young
people
 may be more likely to find a job.
However
,
this
 will cause damage to their mental
health
 and it may be difficult for them to live alone.
Submitted by 2578922328 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion
Keep using a variety of sentence structures and linking devices to enhance the flow of your essay.
Task Achievement
Continue developing your arguments with relevant examples and details to strengthen your essay.
Task Achievement
Excellent use of examples to illustrate your points
Coherence & Cohesion
Effective organization and logical structure of your essay

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
What to do next:
Look at other essays: