There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work

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Some argue that student should only

study

their main

subjects

to achieve

Remove the article

apply

show examples

academic success and they do not need to

study

other

subjects

. I think

this

will make

students

be difficult to cope with their daily

life

Fix the agreement mistake

lives

show examples

and pose a threat to their

health

although

they may have more job opportunities. The young will not have

time

to kick back if all the non-academic courses disappear. Nowadays, young

people

are busy with their compulsory classes and they even can not have a rest. So the other courses,

such

as music class or painting class can be a good

time

for them to relax. If these

subjects

are diminished,

students

will be more tired and the lack of rest will present a challenge to their

health

, especially their mental

health

. They may have a depression and the depression will

finally

damage their physical

health

-- they may try to kill themselves!

This

opinion may

also

lead to a lack of

life

experience and

then

students

can not live a good

life

when they are mature and they require to live on their own. Unacademic classes can teach

students

how to solve the problems they may

meet

Verb problem

encounter

show examples

in daily

life

. if they have never learnt about

this

knowledge, they can not live a happy

life

alone.

For instance

, if they have never studied cookery, cooking by themselves will be impossible for them.

Then

they may have to eat fast food and live an unhealthy

life

However

, that view has its own advantages. Young

people

who only

study

main classes may have more vocational opportunities than others. Most companies only lay emphasis on

students

' specialised skills. And everyone has 24 hours per day, so if young

people

spend all their

time

on compulsory courses, they will

study

their main

subjects

for a longer

time

than those who spend part of their

time

on other

subjects

As a result

, it is more probable for them to get higher scores in academic

subjects

, which is considered as the symbol of owning better-specialised abilities.

Then

, companies are willing to give them jobs.

To sum up

, if we remove all the non-academic

subjects

, young

people

may be more likely to find a job.

However

this

will cause damage to their mental

health

and it may be difficult for them to live alone.

Submitted by 2578922328 on Fri Mar 29 2024

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Coherence & Cohesion

Keep using a variety of sentence structures and linking devices to enhance the flow of your essay.

Task Achievement

Continue developing your arguments with relevant examples and details to strengthen your essay.

Task Achievement

Excellent use of examples to illustrate your points

Coherence & Cohesion

Effective organization and logical structure of your essay

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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10
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
7
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 6.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 6.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 9.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

5 paragraphs

385 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

pressure
succeed
academically
non-academic
physical education
cookery
school syllabus
concentrate
academic work
well-rounded
enhancement
practical skills
balanced education system

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