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Band 5.5

Today, people sleep less than they used to in the past. What is the reason for this? What are the effects on individuals and people around them?

#people #reason #effects #individuals
People
 in the past, slept 2 or 3 times per day. First is daily sleep or nap in
afternoon
Add an article
the afternoon
show examples
.
Second
Add an article
The second
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 time is after sunset, between 8 and 12. After midnight
people
 were awake for
couple
Correct article usage
a couple
show examples
hours
Change preposition
of hours
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. Usually ,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of them read
book
Fix the agreement mistake
books
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 or talk with each other and even had guests at night.
Last
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The last
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 phase of sleep is, begins
from
Change preposition
at
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 2 and continues for 7
hours
. It is a result of unemployment and poverty.
Due
to
Correct pronoun usage
to this
show examples
,
people
 could not do anything without light after sunset. Only wealthy
people
 could amount
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 candles and do whatever they want. As a rule, we know that in the past 85 per cent of
people
 were poor, so they could not allow
theirselves
Correct your spelling
themselves
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 that kind of purchase.
Therefore
people
 slept. The second reason in my point of view ,
that
Add a missing verb
is that
show examples
people
 now are more busy than in the past. In the century of innovations ,
people
 to be successful need to study and
work
 day and night. Students sleep for 3-4
hours
 because they burn the midnight oil. Adults sleep less, seeking a
job
.
Moreover
,
due to
 overpopulation level of lack of
work
 increased.
While in
Correct word choice
In
show examples
 the past, everyone who wanted to
work
 ,could find
job
Add an article
the job
a job
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 of their dream. The first cause mentioned above has led to
people
 being more sleepy and
work
no
Correct your spelling
not
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 effective. Sleeping more than 8
hours
,
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apply
show examples
 causes crave sleep more and
clouded
Correct article usage
a clouded
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 mind. The second cause mentioned above
,
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apply
show examples
 leads to stress, anxiety and illnesses. Being anxious about
job
Correct pronoun usage
your job
show examples
 and study may cause stress and depression. Depression is
mental
Add an article
a mental
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 state when
people
 can not even brush their teeth or shower.
Furthermore
, pressure leads to cancer. Having weighed everything mentioned up,
i
Change the capitalization
I
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 can come to
conclusion
Correct article usage
the conclusion
show examples
 that, nowadays
people
 sleep less
due to
variety
Correct article usage
a variety
show examples
 of circumstances. So, it would not be surprising if
people
 in
near
Correct article usage
the near
show examples
 future will be more stressed than now. And solution
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
 problem
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 can be increasing employment and access to 
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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coherence cohesion
To further enhance your essay, consider diversifying your sentence structures and utilizing a wider range of vocabulary. This can make your writing more engaging and demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency.
task achievement
While your essay addresses the topic, expanding on examples and providing more detailed analysis could deepen the reader's understanding and make your arguments more persuasive.
task achievement
You have successfully covered the topic by discussing both the reasons for decreased sleep and its effects.
coherence cohesion
Your essay maintains a logical flow, moving coherently from reasons to effects, which helps in understanding the arguments made.

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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