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Writing Samples
Band 4

In many countries, women are allowed to take maternity leave from their jobs during the first month after the birth of their baby. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantage?

#countries #women #maternity #jobs #first #month #birth #baby #outweigh
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In several countries,
females
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 are permitted to take maternity leave from their
occupation
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 during the first month after childbirth of their baby. The writer will explain the
benefits
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 and
drawbacks
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about
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of
show examples
this
Linking Words
 statement. The
benefits
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 of
females
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permitted
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being permitted
show examples
 in their
jobs
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 are they can focus on taking
care
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 of
children
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 and have more quality
time
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 with family.
Females
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 who decide to be permitted from their
occupation
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 can focus on taking
care
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 of
children
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 because they can stay at home only and
care
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 for the baby
while
Linking Words
 at home.
In addition
Linking Words
,
females
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 have more quality
time
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 with family because they have nothing to do outside their
home
Fix the agreement mistake
homes
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 and can always be with their family.
For example
Linking Words
,
females
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 can have
better
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a better
show examples
time
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 to take
care
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 of a baby and their family when they are unemployed and have more free
time
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. The
drawbacks
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 of
females
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 deciding to be permitted in their
jobs
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 are
impact
Correct article usage
the impact
show examples
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
jobs
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 and
reducing
Wrong verb form
reduced
show examples
 confidence when they want to return to work.
Females
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 can not develop more in their
carriers
Correct your spelling
careers
show examples
 because they decide to permit.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
females
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 can reduce their confidence when they want to return to work because they have gotten used to taking
care
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 of
children
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 during their maternity leave.
For example
Linking Words
, In
Indonesia
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Indonesia,
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 there are many
females
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 who decide to
housewives
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be housewives
show examples
 after having
children
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.
To conclude
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, the writer believes that there are
benefits
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 and
drawbacks
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 for
females
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 who decide permitted for their
occupation
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. There are
benefits
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 on
females
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 can focus on taking
care
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 of
children
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 and have more quality
time
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 with family.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 there are
drawbacks
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 for
females
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 permitted their
occupation
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 are impacting their
jobs
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 and reducing confidence when they want to return to work.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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Introduction and Conclusion
Try to provide a more detailed introduction and conclusion. Your introduction could more clearly state your opinion on whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Similarly, your conclusion could summarize your points more effectively, reinforcing your stance.
Supporting Examples
Work on developing your main points with more detailed examples. While you provided some examples, they could be expanded upon to better support your argument. Specific, real-world examples make your argument more persuasive.
Idea Development
Consider exploring a wider range of ideas for both advantages and disadvantages. This will make your response more comprehensive and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
Language Use
Improve the clarity and accuracy of your writing by paying attention to sentence structure and vocabulary choice. Avoid repetition and aim for variety in your expressions.
Balanced Discussion
You effectively outlined both the advantages and disadvantages, demonstrating a balanced view.
Logical Structure
Your essay is structured in a logical manner, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • maternity leave
  • essential bonding
  • recovery time
  • mental health
  • postpartum depression
  • long-term child development
  • female participation
  • labor force
  • gender equality
  • parental leave
  • economic impacts
  • temporary loss
  • workload
  • small businesses
  • accommodate
  • operations
  • perpetuating
  • gender stereotypes
  • caregiving
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