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Band 7

In the modern world. it is no longer neccesary to use animals as food and in other products like clothing and medicines. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#world #neccesary #animals #food #products #medicines
Many
people
 in the current period believe that using
animals
 for meals, wardrobes, and
healthcares
Correct your spelling
health care
 is unnecessary. I disagree with
this
 statement because
animals
 are still very useful for human life and can help enhance technological development, especially in
research
.
Animals
 are still highly beneficial to human life today in a variety of ways. As living beings, many
people
 need protein and one of the sources of protein comes from
animals
. Animal protein deficiency will negatively impact a person's IQ and development, especially in the case of youngsters.
In addition
, many
people
 who live in cold and snowy countries really need a
coat
Correct word choice
warm coat
show examples
 as a warmer, which is
also
 made from animal fur.
Moreover
,
animals
 are
also
 very essential in the world of
research
 because many researchers now need mice or other
animals
 as
research
 objects before they can be applied to humans. If
animals
 are not allowed to be used, it is very dangerous for the
research
 field and can hinder the development of
research
.
For instance
, to identify a treatment for hepatitis, scientists test their drugs on
animals
 before they are made available to
people
.
Likewise
, in the discovery of the COVID-19 vaccine in 2019, researchers in China
also
 implemented the vaccine into mice first and
then
 spread it around the world, so the use of
animals
 is still quite limited. In light of the above analysis, using
animals
 for
research
 purposes is still necessary because these
animals
 are still vital to human life and may encourage technological progress.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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task achievement
Ensure clarity and precision in your arguments by avoiding generalizations and providing more elaborated, specific examples to support your points. This will enhance your task achievement score.
coherence cohesion
For an improved coherence and cohesion score, work on creating smoother transitions between your paragraphs and maintaining a clear central theme throughout your essay. This can be achieved by making use of a wider range of cohesive devices.
general
Be mindful of spelling, grammar, and punctuation. Minor errors can distract from the overall quality of your essay. Regular practice and proofreading can help minimize these occurrences.
coherence cohesion
You've effectively constructed your essay with a logical structure, including an introduction and a conclusion that tie together your main points. This is commendable and contributes significantly to coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
Your essay presented a clear stance on the topic, backed by relevant examples, which is excellent for task achievement.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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