IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that allowing childern to make their own choices on everyday matters (Such as food, clothes and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuls who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for childern to make decisions about matters that affect them. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Some societies argue that
children
Use synonyms
 should be allowed to make their own decisions on basic needs,
while
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 others oppose it because they will become selfish. In my opinion, it is paramount to let young
people
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 decide on their basic matters to develop their confidence and to be independent. In some communities, grown-ups teach their sons or daughters to be independent and confident by allowing them to choose their basic matters
such
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 as clothes and food.
This
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 is because it encourages them that their
parents
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 trust them and it will build confidence in them.
Moreover
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, since they believe in themselves, it makes them independent and able to make a reasonable choice when they become grown-up,
for example
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, to enrol in which university they want to pursue their dreams.
Hence
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, I believe teaching them decision-making earlier will benefit
children
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. Despite these opinions in society, some
people
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 argue that letting young
people
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 make their own choices will make them selfish.
This
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 is because they used to care about their own perspectives and needs,
thus
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, they are unable to put themselves on other's feet.
For instance
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, toddlers force their
parents
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 to buy an expensive toy which they like
while
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 their
parents
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 can not afford.
However
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, I am siding with the benefits of early decision-making parenting. It is because oldsters can teach them empathy to prevent
children
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 from being selfish.
To conclude
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, there is disagreement about letting
children
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 have their own choices because they believe young
people
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 will only think about themselves when they grow up.
Nevertheless
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, I strongly believe young age society will be independent and have the courage to make decisions when they become adults if their
parents
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 allow them to make decisions since they were a child.

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task achievement
Consider writing a more detailed introduction that clearly outlines both sides of the debate. This will make your essay more balanced and easy to follow.
coherence cohesion
Work on the transitions between your paragraphs and within them to ensure smoother flow. This will improve the readability and coherence of your essay.
task achievement
Your essay provides a balanced discussion of both viewpoints and offers a clear opinion, which is essential for task achievement.
task achievement
Your points are generally well-supported with relevant examples, enhancing the strength of your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reiterates your position, which is important for coherence and cohesion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • autonomy
  • independence
  • self-confidence
  • selfish tendencies
  • responsible choices
  • consequences
  • creativity
  • individuality
  • personal development
  • strike a balance
  • boundaries
  • social values
  • decision-making skills
  • guidance
  • fostering
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