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Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people say that young people are more influenced by their friends than parents or teachers. Agree or disagree?

#people #friends #parents #teachers
It is believed that
friends
 play a more important role in an adolescent’s life than teachers or
parents
. I agree with
this
 opinion. The primary reason is that they share more commonalities with peers than with
parents
. They possess similar traits and characteristics like creativity or
being driven
Wrong verb form
drive
show examples
，and most of them are facing similar difficulties: the pressure of getting into a decent university , finding a promising job or the confusion about their passions or their identity.
Thus
, the young generation would most likely think that
friends
 of a similar age can better appreciate their position/stand in their shoes, providing them
more
Change preposition
with more
show examples
 practical suggestions than
parents
. In
this
 case, they tend to be more open to
friends
 and willing to follow their advice. Another reason is related to social and emotional perspectives. For one thing, most young people are uncertain about many aspects ( social 的A) in life and would worry about making mistakes.
Such
 fear would cause them to assume that what the majority of their
friends
 do is correct and end up imitating their thoughts and behaviour to seek a sense of certainty, but they would resist copying
parents
due to
 the age gap and different exposures to life. For another, as younger people are
also
 afraid of feeling lonely and isolated/ do not want to feel
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
left behind, conforming to
friends
’ behaviour helps them get
along with
friends
 and develop a strong bond and sense of belonging. As discussed above, young people are more likely to be affected by
friends
 than by adults
due to
 their shared difficulties and the desire
of belonging
Change preposition
to belong
show examples
 to a group and
feeling
Wrong verb form
feel
show examples
 assured.
Submitted by yyyuanc on

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Structure
Try to include a brief conclusion to summarize your main points and reiterate your stance, as it would enhance the overall completeness of your essay.
Accuracy
Be cautious of typos and minor grammatical errors. For example, watch for proper punctuation and spacing around commas, and avoid the use of symbols like '，' instead of ',', as these can slightly affect readability.
Cohesion
To improve cohesion, you could utilize a wider range of cohesive devices. Although you have made good use of transitions, varying your linking words and phrases could make your writing flow even smoother.
Task Response
You effectively addressed the prompt by clearly stating your agreement and providing relevant arguments to support your stance.
Coherence
Your essay shows a good logical structure, with each paragraph focusing on a separate supporting idea, which helps in making your argumentation clear and understandable.
Content
You provided relevant examples and reasons that align well with your arguments, which significantly strengthens your position on the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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