Companies should provide sports and social fecilities for local communities. To what extent do you agree?
There are
belifs
that Correct your spelling
beliefs
companies
should build sports and social enterprises for inhabitants. Some people think that companies
should engage with communities, but from my point of view
it is the government’s responsibility.
Add a comma
view,
Firstly
, from companies
point of view, if firms charge an entrance fee for each visitor, the more people attend their place, the more money companies
get. As a result
, they will earn lots of money from that and even improve their image among the community. For instance
, research suggests that proprietors of exclusive establishments frequently generate profits through the sale of merchandise and admission tickets. For some local communities
these exclusive areas will often be full of people and the entrance price is not cheap.
Add a comma
communities,
On the other hand
, alternatively, governments have to provide their citizens with free sports and social fecilities
. Correct your spelling
facilities
These kind
of places will help citizens to improve their well-being and health. Change the determiner
This kind
These kinds
As a result
, not only the inhabitants’ strength will rise, but the countries’ economies will also
grow significantly. For example
, that could be a good investment as a tax from
every citizen. Change preposition
for
Thus
, governments have to be responsible for building these places instead
of particular companies
.
In conclusion, while
there are arguments for both companies
and governments to be involved in providing sports and social facilities for inhabitants, in my opinion, the responsibility ultimately falls on the government.Submitted by burtebaeva02 on
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Task Achievement
You've done a great job of arguing both sides of the issue. To elevate your essay further, consider directly addressing potential counterarguments to your stance. This will make your argumentation even more persuasive.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay has a commendable structure and flow. To enhance its readability and coherence, consider using a wider range of linking phrases and topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph. This will clearly signal the shift from one idea to the next.
Coherence & Cohesion
Remember, it's beneficial to clarify your position explicitly in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion for a stronger impact. Doing so will ensure that your viewpoint is clear from the outset and leaves a lasting impression.
General Advice
Be cautious of minor spelling or grammatical errors. While these are relatively small, refining them will polish your essay and make it more effective. Consider revising words like 'belifs' to 'beliefs' and 'fecilities' to 'facilities' for precision.
Task Achievement
The essay effectively addresses the prompt, providing a clear stance supported by examples.
Coherence & Cohesion
You've effectively utilized an introductory and concluding paragraph to frame your arguments, enhancing the clarity and impact of your essay.
Task Achievement
Your use of examples, like the one involving research on exclusive establishments, helps to concretize your arguments, making them more persuasive.
Word Count
IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.
A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.
Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.