IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Most high-level positions are filled by men even though the worktime in many developed countries is more than 50% female. companies should be required to allocate a certain perentage of these positions to women: Do you agree?

#positions #men #worktime #countries #companies #perentage #women
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It is argued that organizations are obliged to implement a quota system to recruit women to every available position, and more than half of the workers in advanced nations are constituted by ladies
while
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 most superior positions are held by men. I do not agree with
this
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 statement because I believe that every staff must be deployed in terms of the individual's qualifications and talents, not by any of the quota systems. On the one hand, there should not be gender bias in any sector of organizations when employees are recruited. Employers should prioritize an individual's qualifications and talents during the recruitment process, not by gender.
For instance
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, the research carried out by the Ministry of Manpower Singapore found that 72% of girls were not selected during their interviews, not because they were ladies but
due to
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 poor performance.
On the other hand
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,
although
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 some of the high-ranked seats are filled by females in more advanced countries, most of the ladies are not willing to get promoted or grow their careers to the next upper positions
due to
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 family commitments and different work shifts.
For example
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, recent research found that 35% of mothers who have had their first baby started quitting their jobs in the long run and 67% of the new mothers are unwilling to get into high-level places. In conclusion, the recruitment process should not be always focussed on gender basis
thus
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 talents and qualifications play a major role in contributing to the company’s growth and the majority of women do not prefer to be promoted
due to
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 family commitments and changes in the working shifts.
Submitted by thanushan.kulathasan on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay could benefit from a clearer thesis statement that more directly outlines your main arguments. Additionally, use more specific transitions between paragraphs to enhance the logical flow of ideas.
task achievement
To strengthen your argument, it could be useful to provide a few more specific examples and data points to better illustrate your points.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt well, discussing both sides of the argument while clearly stating your stance.
coherence cohesion
Your paragraphs are well-structured, each focusing on a single main idea, which aids in readability and comprehension.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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