IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts show how tourism to two countries changed over a 50-year period.

The charts show how tourism to two countries changed over a 50-year period.
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The pie charts compare data on the evolution of tourism in
Autralia
Correct your spelling
Australia
 and Germany from 1960 to 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, Australia’s tourism has had varying nationalities of tourists during those 50 years.
On the contrary
Linking Words
,
German
Correct article usage
the German
show examples
seightseeing
Correct your spelling
sightseeing
 industry has stayed almost the same with the exception of two origins. In Australia, European tourists used to represent almost 53% of the whole
while
Linking Words
Asia’s
Change noun form
Asia
show examples
would
Verb problem
apply
show examples
only
take
Correct subject-verb agreement
takes
show examples
 up 10% of the Australian
touristic
Replace the word
tourist
show examples
 industry. Yet, in 2010, Asia’s percentage of tourists in that country has
immensly
Correct your spelling
immensely
 grown reaching over 60%.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, American and British sightseers only represented 22%, in 1960, and 27%, in 2010. In Germany, the
seightseers
Correct your spelling
sightseers
 statistics stayed similar over the years except for Britain’s
touristic
Replace the word
tourist
show examples
 mass,
whom
Change the pronoun
who
show examples
 went from taking up 20% of the market to only 6% in the second chart.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, European foreigners’ percentages have slightly decreased
of
Change preposition
by
show examples
 5% during those 50 years.
Finally
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Asian representation in Germany has importantly increased reaching 25% in 2010
while
Linking Words
 they used to only constitute 10% of the German market.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "represent" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "stayed" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: