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Band 7.5

With the improvements in today's health care, society has to care for more and more elderly people. Do you feel that society will be able to cope with the increase in numbers of elderly people today and how it can be managed?

#improvements #health #care #society #people #numbers
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Due to
 advancements in healthcare infrastructure the global population is experiencing a notable growth in the number of elderly individuals. The potential problems behind
this
 trend are increased pressure on healthcare systems and a lack of job opportunities,
while
 solutions involve funding sufficient money in services for old people and creating more employment institutions.
To begin
 with, modern medical science has contributed to a rise in the number of the elderly.
Thus
, some effects are inevitable.
Firstly
, as the old population grows, there is a possible demand for long-term care facilities and support for age-related health conditions, and in turn, it can lead to a strong strain on many services.
Additionally
, as the elderly have a deep insight and undeniable knowledge and experience in many fields, it is tough for the young to find a job.
For instance
, in one country in Asia,
due to
 a significant number of old in workplaces, the young generation could not find a job, so, they have decided to migrate to other countries. It is necessary to address possible proactive solutions.
Firstly
, in order to reduce the burden on medical systems, the government should invest a notable amount of money in services related to health facilities and should make
such
 facilities affordable for the elderly to meet their needs.
Moreover
, the authorities should create enough work establishments for all people.
Hence
, in
this
 way, unemployment rates among the young can witness a remarkable decline. In conclusion, the increasing old population can cause a weight burden on medical infrastructure and unemployment among the young,
whereas
 methods to solve these issues involve the financial support of the government and generating more employment places.
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coherence cohesion
Introduce a wider range of linking words to enhance coherence. For instance, incorporating furthermore, henceforth, or however, could make transitions between ideas smoother.
task achievement
It's beneficial to provide more specific examples and evidence to support your arguments. This could involve detailing the healthcare system pressures or providing statistics on employment impact.
general
Make sure to vary your sentence structures to keep your writing dynamic. This will also show greater language proficiency.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea, followed by supporting details. One way is to start a paragraph with a topic sentence that introduces the main idea.
coherence cohesion
You provided a clear introduction and conclusion which effectively framed your essay
task achievement
You have addressed the question fully, covering both the aspects of the problem and proposed solutions
task achievement
You effectively used examples to illustrate your points, like the mention of job competition in Asia

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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