IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

some people believe that children should always have activities organized for them in their free time. Others believe that children themselves should choose what they do in their free time. Discuss both view and give your own opinion.

#people #children #activities #time
The debate on whether
children
 should have their free time meticulously planned or be left to their own devices encapsulates contrasting educational philosophies. I opine that structured
activities
, organized for
children
, are more beneficial for their holistic development. Some people advocate for a structured approach to
children
's leisure, emphasizing that
activities
 orchestrated by educational professionals usually have specific educational purposes,
such
 as fostering teamwork or honing a particular skill. In
such
 a context,
children
 participating in these well-crafted
activities
 are more likely to absorb knowledge and grow.
For instance
, a team sport like soccer not only improves physical fitness but
also
instills
Change the spelling
instils
show examples
 values of cooperation and strategy.
This
 direct effect of organized
activities
 leads to a profound impact:
children
 grow
in
Change preposition
up in
show examples
 a learning-centric environment, where they can develop a myriad of skills ranging from interpersonal communication to critical thinking. Contrastingly, others champion the idea of self-directed free time for
children
.
This
 approach allows them to engage in imaginative play, delve deeper into their interests, and learn time management.
For example
, a child playing with building blocks may not only enjoy the activity but
also
 develop spatial awareness and problem-solving skills.
This
 kind of unstructured play often leads to the enhancement of creativity, as
children
 are not bound by rules and can freely explore their imaginative capacities. In my perspective, organized
activities
 are far superior for
children
, especially considering their limited ability to care for themselves. It's essential to have adults guide and organize their
activities
, rather than allowing them to play unsupervised, to prevent potential safety hazards.
For example
, in structured
activities
, the risk of
children
 drowning
while
 playing at the beach is greatly reduced, as is the danger of being hit by a vehicle
while
 playing football in the streets, or the threat of abduction by strangers. These risks are significantly mitigated through organized play, where adult supervision ensures not only the safety of the
children
 but
also
 provides a structured environment for their development and enjoyment.
Submitted by xianghuikong2023 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your essay shows a good level of logical structure, with clear progression between ideas. However, you could improve by creating smoother transitions between paragraphs to enhance the flow. Use linking words more effectively to connect sentences and ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and well-formulated. To achieve a higher score, ensure your opinion is stated more explicitly in the introduction and reaffirmed in the conclusion for greater effect.
coherence cohesion
While main points are supported, you can enhance your essay by providing a more balanced discussion of both views. Make sure to allocate equal attention to each perspective before presenting your own opinion.
task achievement
You provided a complete response to the prompt, but to improve, make sure to discuss both views more equally. Your opinion is clear but work on integrating it consistently throughout the essay.
task achievement
You've articulated your ideas clearly, but for a higher band score, aim for a more comprehensive coverage of the issue, including more nuanced perspectives and a balanced discussion.
task achievement
Your essay includes relevant examples; however, for a higher score, use a wider range of specific examples to support each viewpoint more thoroughly.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: