A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your locality. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the factory establishment? Explain your position.

In modern times, It is probably true that
competition
is inevitable progress in education.
Competition
gives the best outcomes
,
Remove the comma
apply
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but sometimes shows the worst results. In
this
essay, I will examine how
this
trend brings about both benefits and drawbacks. One of the main advantages of trying to be better than compansions is assistance to developing society and personnel.
That is
to say, The more competitive they are and the more they want to do well, the better their skills will improve.
For example
, in high school in South Korea, students are graded on the scale of their studies, owing to
this
, children always compare their scale to peers and have a desire to grow than before.
For
this
reason, they try to study harder.
However
, if everyone in society were eager to beat someone
then
collaboration, I believe
it
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would have a harmful effect on both individuals and the nation. If they learn only
competition
throughout the entire study period, it means they don't learn how to interact, care, and cooperate with others, and it will have a negative impact on their social life as adults.
In addition
to
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, they feel blue or have low self-esteem easily because of comparing to peers.
For instance
, young people feel like they are not good enough because they are always focusing on what others are doing better. In conclusion, it is certain people benefit from competing with others.
Nevertheless
, from my perspective, the negative consequences are too significant to disregard.
Thus
, it would be a good idea for the school to teach both
competition
and cooperation so that everyone could learn more balanced thoughts in life.
Submitted by dlwltn6615 on

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Task Achievement
Try to more clearly state your opinion from the beginning of the essay. This helps to immediately guide reader's expectations.
Task Achievement
Ensure that your introduction aligns with the essay topic. It appears there was a misunderstanding about the prompt regarding factory establishment versus competition in education.
Coherence & Cohesion
Work on transitioning seamlessly between paragraphs and ideas. Using cohesive devices like 'Furthermore,' 'Moreover,' and 'On the other hand' can aid in this.
Coherence & Cohesion
Consider revisiting punctuation usage, especially the use of commas and periods. This assists in making your sentences clearer and aids in overall reading fluidity.
Task Achievement
Good use of examples to support your points, especially regarding the impact of competition in South Korea.
Coherence & Cohesion
The essay structure (introduction, body paragraphs, conclusion) is well adhered to, helping the overall organization of the content.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • local economy
  • economic activity
  • employment opportunities
  • infrastructure
  • environmental impact
  • ecosystems
  • traffic congestion
  • property values
  • industrial aesthetic
  • rejuvenate
  • quality of life
  • pollution
  • wildlife habitats
  • suppliers
  • contractors
  • influx
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