IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries, paying for things using mobile phones is becoming increasingly common. Does this development have more advantages or disadvantages?

#countries #phones #development
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Payment
 using mobile
phones
 started
from
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the era of smartphone use. When people are using smartphones, many developers see
this
 as an opportunity to create more convenient ways for smartphone usage, especially in
payment
.
Payment
 using mobile
phones
 is normally used nowadays. Even though
this
 technology has many advantages, there are
also
 some disadvantages to using
this
. In
this
 essay, I will explain some of my views on
this
 technology which I believe there are more advantages than disadvantages. We cannot deny that
payment
 using mobile
phones
 is very convenient, we can pay for something in seconds at any time and anywhere as long we have a connection to the internet.
This
payment
 method
also
 makes transactions faster, simpler, and
effective
Correct quantifier usage
more effective
show examples
. Some of the developers
also
 add extra security features
such
 as one-time passwords, biometrics, or tokens that make users feel safer when doing transactions. With all of these advantages, we can see that businesses nowadays are rapidly increasing in speed, and volume, and
also
 they are
also
 expanding quickly.
On the other hand
, cyber crime
also
 increasing lately. Even though
payment
 through mobile
phones
 has many security features, there is
also
 a loophole that many irresponsible people use to take advantage of
this
 technology. One of the common
crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
show examples
 that almost happens to everyone is their data leaked. The hacker collects
this
 data and sells it to another company for a database or worse makes a fake account for their own business. The next disadvantage is
also
 we might spend more than we need because of the convenience of
payment
 and the small amounts of things we purchase. In conclusion,
while
payment
 using mobile
phones
 is an effective way for transactions, I think it is
also
 better if the security of
payment
 can be more developed so as users we can use
payment
 safely and make business grow faster and bigger.
Submitted by wand on

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Task Response
Ensure your essay maintains a clear focus throughout. It started strong but slightly diverged towards discussing cybercrime intensively, which, although relevant, started to overshadow the primary topic of mobile payment advantages and disadvantages.
Coherence & Cohesion
Consider diversifying your linking phrases to better guide the reader through your argument. This will enhance the flow of your essay further.
Task Achievement
Including specific examples to support your points is excellent. Aim to balance examples across both advantages and disadvantages to provide a more rounded argument.
Introduction & Conclusion
The introduction and conclusion effectively framed your topic, providing a clear overview and succinct summary of your argument.
Logical Structure
Your argument structure is logical, making it easy for readers to follow your thought process.
Supported Main Points
You've provided a range of advantages related to mobile payments, showcasing a good understanding of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Convenience
  • Streamlining
  • Encryption
  • Biometrics
  • Digital economy
  • Digital divide
  • Economic inequalities
  • Privacy concerns
  • Surveillance
  • Misuse of information
  • Over-reliance
  • Cybersecurity breaches
  • Network outages
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