Countries with a long average working time are more economically successful than those countries which do not have a long working time. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Working cultures are various in different
countries
. European and American
countries
are regarded as having
less
Correct quantifier usage
fewer
show examples
working
hours
than Asian
countries
.
While
some people claim that longer working
hours
can allow the country to have better economic development than the nations that have shorter office
hours
, I personally disagree with
this
nation, as I will elaborate
the
Change preposition
on the
show examples
following. It is undeniable that
work
time does not guarantee the advantages of economic performance.
The effective
Correct article usage
Effective
show examples
management
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
work
matters more,
however
, longer working
hours
tends
Change the verb form
tend
show examples
to lower
staff’s
Change noun form
staff
show examples
productivity
due to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
of sufficient concentration. Take
taiwan
Change the capitalization
Taiwan
show examples
for example
, most workers spend more than 12
hours
a day doing
work
, which is much more than
Western
Change preposition
in Western
show examples
countries
.
However
, the majority of Western
countries
' economic development exceeds that
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
Taiwan.
Additionally
, overloading
work
in one day would make them frustrated, leading to
loss
Correct article usage
the loss
show examples
of a sense of accomplishment and enthusiasm for their jobs.
Thus
, time expenditure is not necessarily correlated to economic success. Health
concern
Fix the agreement mistake
concerns
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
also
one of
important
Add an article
the important
show examples
factors when it comes to working culture. Long working
hours
deprive
worker’s
Change preposition
worker of
show examples
rest and sleep time. It may cause potential physical and mental health problems.
For example
, the Japanese are well-known as long-time workers, and nowadays the suicide rate in Japan is relatively high, leading to slowing their economic growth.
Consequently
, in order to sustain industrial prosperity, maintaining an individual's health should not be underestimated.
To conclude
,
while
working
hours
undoubtedly play a role, in my opinion, factors
such
as workforce efficiency and
overall
well-being are equally crucial in shaping economic prosperity.
Submitted by sandra19970823 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

sentence structure
Consider varying your sentence structures more frequently to enhance the readability and flow of your essay. While your essay is clear, introducing a wider range of complex sentence forms could improve its overall sophistication.
grammar
Pay close attention to minor grammatical inaccuracies, such as with article use ('this nation' should be 'this notion') and verb agreement. These small errors do not significantly deter from the overall quality of your writing, but refining them can make your argument more polished.
argument development
For an even stronger essay, you could incorporate a counter-argument paragraph that briefly acknowledges the opposing view before refuting it with your evidence. This could make your argument more robust and comprehensive.
introduction conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion effectively frame your argument, providing a clear stance on the topic that guides the reader through your essay.
examples
You've included specific examples, such as the comparison between Taiwanese and Western workers, and the case of Japan, which effectively support your main points and help to clarify your argument.
structure flow
The coherence and cohesion of your essay are commendable. You've organized your paragraphs logically, and your ideas flow smoothly from one to the next, which greatly aids the reader's understanding.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • economic success
  • working hours
  • productivity
  • sustainable development
  • work-life balance
  • labor laws
  • efficiency
  • gross domestic product (GDP)
  • burnout
  • occupational health
  • technological innovation
  • industrialized nations
  • emerging economies
  • workforce
  • competitiveness
  • workplace culture
  • employee turnover
  • quality of life
What to do next:
Look at other essays: