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Band 5.5

Countries with a long average working time are more economically successful than those countries which do not have a long working time. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#countries #time
Working cultures are various in different
countries
. European and American
countries
 are regarded as having
less
Correct quantifier usage
fewer
show examples
 (fewer) working
hours
 than Asian
countries
.
While
 some people claim that longer working
hours
 can allow the country to have better economic development than the nations that have shorter office
hours
, I personally disagree with
this
 nation, as I will elaborate
the
Change preposition
on the
show examples
 following. It is undeniable that work time does not guarantee the advantages of economic performance. Effective management for work matters more,
however
, longer working
hours
 tend to lower staff productivity
due to
 a lack of sufficient concentration. Take Taiwan
for example
, most workers spend more than 12
hours
 a day doing tasks, which is much more than in Western
countries
.
However
, the majority of Western
countries
' economic development exceeds that of Taiwan.
Additionally
, overloading work in one day would make them frustrated, leading to the loss of a sense of accomplishment and enthusiasm for their jobs.
Thus
, time expenditure is not necessarily correlated to economic success. Health concerns are
also
 one of the important factors when it comes to working culture. Long working
hours
 deprive
worker’s
Change preposition
worker of
show examples
 rest and sleep time. It may cause potential physical and mental health problems.
For example
, the Japanese are well-known as long-time workers, and nowadays the suicide rate in Japan is relatively high, leading to slowing their economic growth.
Consequently
, in order to sustain industrial prosperity, maintaining an individual's health should not be underestimated.
Submitted by sandra19970823 on

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structure
Your essay is well-structured and presents a clear argument against the notion that long working hours directly lead to economic success. However, you could enhance your argument by adding a brief conclusion to summarize your key points and reiterate your stance.
cohesion
Make sure to vary your sentence structures and use a range of linking words to improve the flow of your essay. This could make your argument even more compelling.
argumentation
To strengthen your task response, consider presenting a counter-argument that advocates for long working hours and then refuting it. This would show a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
examples
You provided specific examples, such as Taiwan and Japan, to support your argument, which adds credibility to your claims.
introduction
Your introduction clearly states your opinion, providing a good roadmap for the reader about your stance on the issue.
argument depth
Your concern for the health implications of long working hours offers a strong ethical dimension to your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • economic success
  • working hours
  • productivity
  • sustainable development
  • work-life balance
  • labor laws
  • efficiency
  • gross domestic product (GDP)
  • burnout
  • occupational health
  • technological innovation
  • industrialized nations
  • emerging economies
  • workforce
  • competitiveness
  • workplace culture
  • employee turnover
  • quality of life
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