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Band 4.5

Do you agree or disagree with government giving money to artists, rather than health care system?

#government #money #artists #health #care #system
In today's globalisation era, art
becomes
Wrong verb form
has become
show examples
 ubiquitous entertainment. In terms of
government's
Correct article usage
the government's
show examples
 point of view, it will earn investments and income tax. The
government
 may argue that it is necessary to give
money
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the artists,
rater
Correct your spelling
rather
show examples
 than
health
Correct article usage
the health
show examples
care
system
.
This
 essay provides strong disagreement with the
government
's thinking because giving
money
 to
health
Correct article usage
the health
show examples
care
system
 is more essential.
First,
health
Add an article
the health
show examples
care
system
 is an integral part of
public
Add an article
the public
a public
show examples
facility
Fix the agreement mistake
facilities
show examples
 in the city. One of the criteria for
liveable
Correct article usage
a liveable
show examples
 city is the public
facility
. It is so crucial
for having
Change preposition
to have
show examples
 a
well developed
Add a hyphen
well-developed
show examples
health
Correct your spelling
healthcare
show examples
care
system
 because citizen's
healthiness
Replace the word
health
show examples
 can not be neglected.
Moreover
, the well-being of the society is
also
 when we are able to get a proper
health
care
system
such
 as
health
 insurance, and proper amount of medical
practicioners
Correct your spelling
practitioners
, and
health
care
facility
Fix the agreement mistake
facilities
show examples
.
Moreover
,
artist
Fix the agreement mistake
artists
show examples
 can earn
money
 by themselves.
Otherwise
,
health
Add an article
the health
show examples
care
system
 is not looking for any profit.
Government's
Correct article usage
The government's
show examples
 support for funding the
health
care
system
 is urgently needed. Some people will argue when
health
Correct article usage
the health
show examples
care
system
 costs
much
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
money
,
instead
 of giving
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
proper service.
Thus
, we need to urge that
Correct article usage
the health
show examples
health
Correct your spelling
healthcare
show examples
care
system
 is not looking for any profit.
To sum up
,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 needs to give
money
 to the
health
care
system
 rather than artists
because
Change preposition
for
show examples
 some reasons. It consists of urgency for hosting proper public
facility
Fix the agreement mistake
facilities
show examples
, and not looking for profits.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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Task Achievement
Ensure that your essay maintains a balanced and nuanced approach throughout, particularly when dealing with complex issues. Considering opposing viewpoints can strengthen your argument.
Task Achievement
Enhance the depth of your essay by incorporating a broader range of examples and evidence to support your points. This will make your arguments more persuasive and comprehensive.
Coherence & Cohesion
While your essay has coherent structure and progression, try to use a variety of linking words and phrases to demonstrate more sophisticated cohesion and coherence.
Task Achievement
You've provided a clear stance on the issue, which is excellent for task achievement.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay has a good logical structure, with clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, contributing to strong coherence and cohesion.
Task Achievement
You've successfully supported your main points with relevant details, enhancing the effectiveness of your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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