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Writing Samples
Band 6

In many parts of the world today there is a profitable market for products which lighten or whiten people's skin. Outline the reasons for using such products and discuss what effects they have in terms of health and society.

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In today’s world in order to get more profit most companies choose to sell lightening and brightening products that are applied to humans’
skin
. The usage of
such
 substances has some reasons,
such
 as becoming more beautiful or being famous and
also
 consequences on the
overall
 well-being and society,like the loss of natural beauty and health-related issues.
This
 essay will discuss both the causes and effects of the trend. The foremost cause of
this
 issue is mostly considered a desire to be more appealing and attractive. To be more specific, some individuals accept whiter
skin
 as a symbol of the ideal appearance, so it leads people to buy these creams.
Furthermore
, today most celebrities opt
for using
Change preposition
to use
show examples
 lighting products and participate in endorsement events after which it pulls the attention of the public.
Consequently
, the figure for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
brightening cream usage is increasing day by day
due to
 the promotion of the companies
for getting
Change preposition
to get
show examples
 more benefits. One of the profound and possible consequences behind the problem is related to health concerns. Those who overuse
such
 creams damage their natural appearance.
In other words
, it results in dermatologic diseases which sometimes make it impossible to return to the initial state of the
skin
. It has a detrimental impact not only on the
skin
 but
also
 on
overall
 well-being. To elaborate, if
skin
 cancer occurs, other diseases will be inevitable. So, all these factors are a danger to both society and the health of individuals.
To sum up
, producing creams that lighten and whiten the
skin
 for the sake of gaining more money by companies is a pervasive issue nowadays.
This
 trend has possible reasons,
such
 as looking better and so forth. The health-related results of the issue should be taken into account, as well.
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Vocabulary & Sentence Structure
Be cautious of repeating the same ideas or phrases. Aim for a variety of sentence structures and vocabulary to enhance your essay's complexity.
Specific Examples & Support
Incorporate more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. Referencing studies, statistics, or notable cases can significantly support your points and enhance the essay's persuasiveness.
Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure your essay flows seamlessly by linking ideas and paragraphs. Use a range of cohesive devices and topic sentences to better guide the reader through your discussion.
Balanced Discussion
Balance your essay by discussing both causes and effects equally. Sometimes one aspect might be covered more extensively than the other. Aim for a more uniform exploration of both sides to fully address the prompt.
Introduction & Conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-defined, providing a clear overview and summary of your essay's main points.
Task Response
The essay discusses both causes and effects related to the topic, aligning well with the task's requirements.
Logical Structure
The logical structure of your essay is commendable, with a clear progression of ideas.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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