IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy?

Many
people
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 believe that having monetary resources is the key to happiness.
This
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 essay discusses some possible reasons why some
individuals
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 feel
this
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 way and what other aspects of
life
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 contribute to one's contentment. There are two main reasons why
people
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 think having monetary power can lead to a happier
life
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.
Firstly
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, wealthy
individuals
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 have financial freedom.
This
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 is
due to
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 them being able to comfortably pay for their basic needs and luxury items without having to worry about their finances all the time.
In particular
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,
people
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 who receive higher amounts of money tend to travel more regularly,
as well as
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, purchase the latest goods in the market.
Additionally
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, being wealthy often means having a better
life
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 quality. To be more precise,
people
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 who have monetary resources in abundance usually have high-quality nutrition, live in safer neighbourhoods, and can afford better health treatments, if necessary.
On the other hand
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, other aspects are crucial to one's happiness. The first of these is regarding
people
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's relationships.
This
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 is because humans are social animals, and
therefore
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, one of society's basic needs is to have constant social interactions.
For instance
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, recent studies have shown that wealthy
people
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 are more susceptible to depression
due to
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 poor relationships and loneliness, making them in need of constant psychological treatment.
Moreover
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, participating in charity activities is something that increases
people
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's
overall
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life
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 contentment.
This
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 is because helping others in poor conditions can bring a sense of usefulness to
individuals
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. In conclusion, the reasons why owning a lot of money increases
people
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's happiness are
due to
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 financial freedom and having better
life
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 quality.
However
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, other aspects
also
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 contribute to
individuals
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' contentment
such
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 as personal bonds and being active in society's charity programs.

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coherence cohesion
To further improve, aim to integrate more varied and complex sentence structures throughout your essay. This can enhance the flow of ideas and keep the reader engaged.
task achievement
Consider including more specific examples or case studies that highlight your arguments. This will provide a stronger evidence base for your points and make them more relatable to the reader.
task achievement
Your essay provides a balanced view by addressing both sides of the argument, which is an excellent strategy for this type of question.
coherence cohesion
You effectively used an introduction and a conclusion to frame your essay, which helps in clearly presenting and summarizing your points.
coherence cohesion
The organization of your paragraphs and the logical flow of ideas was well executed, making your argument easy to follow.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Financial security
  • Basic needs
  • Comfort
  • Luxury
  • Freedom
  • Altruistic
  • Philanthropy
  • Nurturing relationships
  • Fulfillment
  • Sense of accomplishment
  • Physical well-being
  • Spiritual beliefs
  • Community involvement
  • Gratitude
  • Mindfulness
  • Simple pleasures
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