IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

choosing an immune field is important in health care, explain how you tend to this

#field #health #care
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Is the immune
system
 important in our life? Immunity is one of the most effective
health
 of our bodies. It measures the body's protection against diseases. In
this
 statement, we will discuss the main common reasons to choose to study an immune
system
. Since 2019, the variety of viruses has increased worldwide, affecting the body's
health
.
For example
, the pandemic of COVID-19 caused many deaths. It caused an outbreak of mortality.
For
this
 reason, some research tends to focus on the immunity
field
 to solve most
health
 problems. So, they have a personal interest and fascination with how the immune
system
 protects the body from diseases.
In addition
, there is competition in all medical fields.
However
, the rapid advancements in immunotherapy and vaccine development, offer new hope for treating and preventing diseases.
For instance
, after a crisis of the pandemic, my country opened more than 8 lab research to encourage medical staff to improve their knowledge and skills in the different sections, especially in the immune
system
. The opportunity for interdisciplinary collaboration, integrating knowledge from biology, chemistry, and technology, to innovate in the
field
 of immunology.
In addition
, I desire to contribute to public
health
 and improve healthcare outcomes through research and development in the
field
 of immunology. In conclusion, the immune
system
field
 is one of the most impact fields in medical
health
 care. Meanwhile, flashing on it can make a big difference in our
health
.
Submitted by zr.a.r on

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Task achievement
Consider elaborating on how studies on the immune system can directly translate into practical healthcare benefits, such as through the development of new treatments or vaccines.
Coherence and cohesion
Work on more logically connected paragraphs and smoother transitions between ideas to enhance the flow of your essay.
General
Proofreading to catch and correct minor grammatical errors can make your writing appear more polished and professional.
Coherence and cohesion
You effectively introduced the topic and provided a clear conclusion, which helps to frame your essay nicely.
Task achievement
Your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the importance of the immune system, supported by relevant examples like COVID-19 pandemic.
Task achievement
Your personal interest in contributing to public health through research in immunology adds a compelling and passionate element to your essay.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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