IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters(such as food, clothes, and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matters that affect them. Discuss both view

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A group of people believe that letting children choose what they want in something that they want like clothes, food and having fun would improve their selfishness.
On the contrary
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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others think that it is essential to have the right
of making
Change preposition
to make
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decision
Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
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 in childhood because
its
Change preposition
of its
show examples
affects
Correct your spelling
effects
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. In my opinion, a child needs
a
Remove the article
apply
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freedom in the way of living and sharing its tastes like
other human being
Change the wording
another human being
other human beings
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 in everyday matters. Children who can make a decision about their needs are more confident.
Although
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 parents have to lead and guide them to make a reasonable choice, they should teach youth the importance of having confidence and telling their own ideas
instead
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 of being quiet and
obedience
Replace the word
obedient
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. If we do not give
this
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 opportunity to a child to say her/his opinion, it would
makes
Wrong verb form
make
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 him/her a potential victim of bullying in
near
Correct article usage
the near
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 future.
For instance
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, pupils who are more free to say their thoughts about what they want experience less bullying than those who are shy and raised by
method
Add an article
the method
a method
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 of obeying
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
parents in order to what they wear or eat. Another reason for
this
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 mindset is achieving
more
Correct article usage
a more
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 democratic and equal society by teaching children to have their own choices in
every day
Correct your spelling
everyday
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 matters.
Young
Add an article
The young
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 generation are the next citizens who can
defense
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defend
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 their
right
Fix the agreement mistake
rights
show examples
 in future if they see how they can do it from the early beginning. When they are allowed to be treated as a person respectfully in their preferences and what they want, it can not only improve their sense of identity but
also
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eradicates
Correct subject-verb agreement
eradicate
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 any possibility of being a
deactivate
Wrong verb form
deactivated
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 individual. We are
witness
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witnessing
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 the impact of these little activities in recent changes in political aspects and societies which
is
Wrong verb form
have been
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 done by recent generations
for example
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 [in Iran]. Through
this
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,
world
Add an article
the world
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 may be obviously healthier and
better
Correct article usage
a better
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 place for
human kinds
Correct your spelling
humankind
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 to live freely with less oppression. In conclusion, having
right
Add an article
the right
a right
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 of choice in childhood about what they want as
hobby
Add an article
a hobby
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, clothes or food is a vital part of nurturing.
This
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 is a real protection to
defense
Replace the word
defend
show examples
 themselves
form
Correct your spelling
from
show examples
 bullying in school
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also
Correct word choice
and also
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 as a civilized person against any dictatorial
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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 or policy.

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Grammar & Punctuation
Be careful with your grammar and punctuation; small errors can distract from your message. Review subject-verb agreement and the proper use of articles.
Supporting Examples
Expand your examples to make your arguments even stronger. While mentioning bullying and democratic societies is effective, adding specific studies or statistics could enhance your credibility.
Coherence
Pay attention to the coherence of your essay. Use transition words or phrases to ensure a smooth flow of ideas from one paragraph to the next.
Balanced Viewpoint
Though you've touched on both views, strive to compare and contrast these perspectives more directly within your body paragraphs. This will enrich your discussion.
Task Response
You've effectively outlined both sides of the argument, which demonstrates a good understanding of the task.
Conclusion
Your conclusion succinctly summarizes your viewpoint, reinforcing your argument effectively.
Relevance of Examples
The examples you've chosen (e.g., the impact of freedom on bullying and the role of choice in creating democratic societies) are compelling and relevant, showing a good grasp of the essay topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Autonomy
  • Consequence-awareness
  • Self-centered
  • Informal decision-making education
  • Child development
  • Age-appropriate choices
  • Cognitive growth
  • Fostering independence
  • Parental guidance
  • Societal norms
  • Interpersonal consideration
  • Balance of freedom
  • Individualism versus collectivism
  • Experience-based learning
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