IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

in some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. what are the advantages and disadvanteges of giving children this massege?

#cultures #children #disadvanteges #massege
In some nations, it is a common belief that children can accomplish anything if they endeavor on it.
However
, I disagree with it wholeheartedly, and I will explain why in the following paragraphs. On the one hand, hard
working
Replace the word
work
show examples
 is super important, if you want to do something quickly. It can accelerate it. By doing that, people may succeed in their fields, and
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 their dreams. Without working hard, they are ordinary. Almost all the famous scientists, academics, scholars, and so on contributed their achievements to their efforts especially, Thomas Edison.
On the other hand
, trying hard is not always work, though. If you want to do something fantastic, that will not work smoothly.
For example
, if you want to be a wizard like Harry Potter, and you try your best to find magic spells in the world, it will end with nothing.
Besides
, completing a goal requires not only the time you put in but
also
needs
Verb problem
apply
show examples
luck, talent, wisdom, and the like. Working time is one of
vital
Add an article
the vital
show examples
 factors that affecting things
can be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
happened
Wrong verb form
happen
show examples
 or not, but
this
 is not the only element. You have to evaluate the situation you have right now. The law of attraction is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 well-known theory about working hard, but it is fake. I did it many times, but I got nothing. In a nutshell, you have to do something hard in order to finish it fast.
However
, the time you
use in
Verb problem
spend
show examples
 it is not the only thing that decides whether you make it or not. It depends on so many things. You must consider all of them if you want to achieve.
Submitted by edward300225 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Ensure your essay maintains focus on the topic. While discussing effort and success, focus on how this relates to the impact of telling children they can achieve anything.
coherence cohesion
Use clear paragraphing to separate ideas. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and supporting details.
task response
Keep examples relevant and grounded. Relate your examples directly to the topic and ensure they support your main point effectively.
task response
Clarify your stance. It seems you disagree with the statement but also acknowledge the importance of hard work. Make sure your perspective is consistently represented.
task response
You articulated well on the importance of hard work.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay, with an introduction, body, and conclusion, is well-followed.
coherence cohesion
You've made an effort to use a range of vocabulary to express your ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: