IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing ( for example, through cellphone tracking amd security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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In contemporary, advanced technological devices are used to keep citizens under control and informed about their daily
lives
Use synonyms
 in a hidden way.
Although
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this
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 leads to the loss of personal privacy rights, I believe that monitoring helps to avoid serious crimes and improves the security of human beings. Being controlled by technology, individuals may face several detrimental consequences since the private
lives
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 of citizens are not secured.
First,
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professional hackers from other countries can easily break into the system or
people
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's bank accounts and steal
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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large sums of money in a split second.
For example
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, as it is required to fill out personal data before starting to use any gadgets, it gives a chance to cybercriminals to access personal profiles easily and steal private information.
Moreover
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, once
people
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 are tracked through mobile phones, they lose the freedom to express their opinions about various topics, like the political or governing system of society.
Therefore
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, we should be aware of the results caused by hidden cameras or controlling devices. Turning to the benefits of modern breakthroughs, they ensure the safety of
people
Use synonyms
's
lives
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. If criminal activities like human kidnapping, drug trading, or vandalism occur in public places with local
people
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, these developments will tackle the issue with definite proof.
In addition
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, police can easily find the person who lost or was kidnapped and forget about their address in the case of senior citizens.
As a consequence
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, the community can enjoy their
lives
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 without worrying about their safety since security has improved. In conclusion, even though keeping track of a person's daily life
technological
Change preposition
with technological
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 appliances brings on losing personal privacy and being hacked, I suspect that it will maintain the protection of well-being by avoiding crucial crimes.

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Introduction
Ensure a clear and direct introduction that outlines your stance and the structure of your essay.
Coherence
Use a wider range of cohesive devices and transition words to improve the flow of your essay.
Supporting Evidence
Clarify and elaborate on your main points with specific examples and evidence to strengthen your argument.
Conclusion
Ensure that your conclusion effectively summarises your argument and reiterates your stance clearly.
Content
You have effectively outlined the advantages and disadvantages of technology being used to monitor people.
Structure
Your essay structure is clear, with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
Examples
You provided relevant and specific examples to support your points, although further detail could strengthen your argument.
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