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Band 5.5

Wealthy nations should assist poorer countries with humanitarian relief during natural disasters

#nations #countries #relief #disasters
It is a debatable topic
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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whether developed
countries
’ role
Add a missing verb
is to
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to provide
Change preposition
in providing
show examples
disasters
Change the noun form
disaster
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 relief
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 developing
countries
.
This
 essay strongly
agrees
Add the preposition
agrees on
agrees to
agrees with
show examples
this
 statement because wealthier
countries
 have advanced medical systems that can help many victims
from
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of
show examples
 natural
catrophy
Correct your spelling
catastrophes
such
floods
Change preposition
as floods
show examples
,
earthquake
Fix the agreement mistake
earthquakes
show examples
 and
tornado
Fix the agreement mistake
tornadoes
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. Another reason is that natural disasters can happen anywhere and helping each other is a necessary
humanilsm
Correct your spelling
human
 trait to create better
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 and bring
a
Remove the article
peace
a feeling of peace
a sense of peace
a wave of peace
show examples
peace
 in the global.
To begin
 with, wealthy nations tend to have more developed health
care
 systems which include
high
Replace the word
highly
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 skilled and knowledgeable professionals. natural
disaster
Fix the agreement mistake
disasters
show examples
 can
produce
Verb problem
cause
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 a lot of injured people and they often
requires
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require
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 quality health
care
 which
allows to save
Verb problem
saves
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 so many citizens. For
examples
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example
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, I have joined
non-profit
Add an article
a non-profit
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 organisation which gathers
health
Correct your spelling
healthcare
show examples
care
professions
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professionals
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such
 as doctors, nurses and physiotherapists from
over
Rephrase
all over
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 the world to help people who suffered from the massive floods in Indonesia
few
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a few
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 years ago. We helped lots of people with complex issues which local doctors could not deal with.
our
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Our
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 advanced
care
 saved lots of
peoples
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people's
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 lives.
Secondly
, natural disasters
are not only happen
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do not only happen
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 to particular
countries
and
Correct word choice
but
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it
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they
show examples
 can happen anywhere else. Helping each other does not only help ensure our
humanilsm
Correct your spelling
humanism
 but
also
 build a good relationship
globaly
Correct your spelling
globally
.
Instead
 of fighting each other like world wars, we should bring
peace
 by supporting each other.
For example
, there was a devastating flood in
Correct article usage
the philipines
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philipines
Correct your spelling
Philippines
 in 1988. Japanese
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 sent a lot of army to help the country from
such
 a disaster providing food, medication and sunnitaries. since
then
, Japan and
Correct article usage
the philipines
show examples
philipines
Correct your spelling
Philippines
 have created a strong bond which brought our trade better and contract in a
peace
 agreement which ensures
not brought up
Verb problem
no
show examples
 wars. In
concision
Correct your spelling
conclusion
show examples
, providing support from wealthy
countries
 to poor
countries
 is a must agreement
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
global
Change the word
globally
show examples
 because developed
countries
 have
advances
Wrong verb form
advanced
show examples
 medical systems which can save
victims
Change noun form
victims'
victim's
show examples
 lives and
this
 brings
a
Remove the article
peace
a feeling of peace
a sense of peace
a wave of peace
show examples
peace
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the world by improving our relationship.
Submitted by chia.8ee on

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Introduction
Consider starting your essay with a more direct statement that clearly presents your stance on the topic. This can help engage the reader from the beginning.
Coherence
To improve coherence, ensure transitions between paragraphs and sentences are smooth. Use phrases like 'Moreover', 'In addition', and 'Consequently' more strategically to guide the reader through your argument.
Cohesion
In terms of cohesion, repetition of certain words ('health care', 'disaster', 'people') can be reduced by using synonyms or rephrasing sentences. This can enhance the readability of your essay.
Accuracy
Pay attention to spelling, punctuation, and grammar errors. For example, 'catrophy' should be 'catastrophe', 'humanilsm' should be 'humanism', 'philipines' should be 'Philippines'. Consistent accuracy in language use would further strengthen your essay.
Examples
You provided specific, relevant examples to support your points, which strengthens your argument significantly.
Understanding
Your essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic, and you've developed your argument in a structured and logical manner.
Structure
You have effectively utilized the introduction and conclusion to frame your argument, guiding the reader through your perspective.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Humanitarian relief
  • Infrastructure
  • Global solidarity
  • Disproportionately
  • External assistance
  • Rebuilding efforts
  • Disaster response
  • Investment in stability
  • Dependency theory
  • Responsible intervention
  • Paternalistic
  • Shared humanity
  • Sovereignty
  • Capabilities
  • Fatality rates
What to do next:
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