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Writing Samples
Band 8

In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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A lot of countries practice the engagement of children in paid
work
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.
While
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 some would argue that it is totally inappropriate, others believe that it helps kids obtain some real-life experience. I agree with the latter one because
this
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 increases a child's chances of integrating into adult life more smoothly. On the one hand, yearly-age workers spend their spare time doing something useful and, ultimately, will be rewarded with a salary.
This
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 acts as motivation to fulfil their wishes and teaches them that nothing is free; if you want to possess something,
then
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 make an effort.
For example
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, a friend of mine is a farmer, and he has a son. The kid wanted a bicycle right away. The father suggested the son help him on a farm with daily duties in exchange for money, which could be spent on anything he wanted. In the end, the bicycle was bought, and the kid was happy. I think it was a great example of upbringing as well.
On the other hand
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, kids who were employed would be much more prepared for adulthood compared to those who weren't.
However
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, real
work
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 experience prepares adolescents for a smoother transition between childhood and upcoming adulthood.
Also
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, the children would be able to value their spare time and would become closer to their parents. As an example, after returning home from a hard
work
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 day, they are unlikely to pout after being rebuffed by their mom or dad on the request to buy a toy because they are aware of how challenging it can be.
Nevertheless
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,
work
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 should not be harsh and difficult, no matter how valuable experience could be gained. In conclusion, there is nothing wrong with hiring children and paying them for their jobs; I would even say that it is wrong not to do
this
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.

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structure
Great job on structuring your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. It makes your argument easy to follow.
language use
Ensure that your essay maintains a consistent level of formal language throughout. Avoid using colloquial phrases to keep the tone appropriate for academic writing.
content depth
Consider expanding on both views more evenly to enhance balance in your discussion. This can enrich your argument and provide a more comprehensive analysis.
evidence
Providing more varied examples and evidence could strengthen your main points. Consider including statistics, reports, or studies to support your views.
conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your viewpoint, reinforcing your argument well.
task response
You provided a clear opinion, making your stance on the issue known, which is very good for task achievement.
example use
Good use of an example to illustrate your point about the positive effects of children engaging in paid work. This makes your argument more relatable and understandable.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Child labour
  • Paid work
  • Human rights
  • Ethical standards
  • Long-term educational prospects
  • Personal development
  • Dangerous working conditions
  • Emotional well-being
  • Systemic exploitation
  • Life skills
  • Time management
  • Financial support
  • Work-life balance
  • Real-world exposure
  • Cultural context
  • Traditional norm
  • Rite of passage
  • Psychological harm
  • Vulnerability
  • Employers
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