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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Increasing number of people are choosing cosmetology surgery to improve their appearance. What are the reasons? Do you think is it a positive or negative development?

#people #cosmetology #surgery #appearance #development
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In recent years more and more
people
 opt for surgeries to change something about their appearance.
This
 is
due to
 the fact that social
media
 created some
beauty
standards
 that are hard to achieve, and
also
 because medicine has improved so much that now individuals can modify almost anything about their looks.
Firstly
, we now live in an age where social
media
 apps, like Instagram or TikTok, are part of our day-to-day
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
, and
people
 with a large number of followers have become influencers. They usually consist of men or women
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are considered attractive by the society that
the
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
 live in,
thus
 creating some
beauty
standards
 that their followers would want to achieve so that they can be or look like them,
this
Correct your spelling
thus
show examples
 way becoming beautiful in the eyes of everyone. Unfortunately, a fact not known by a lot of
people
 is that the majority of influencers edit their pictures to hide their imperfections, so the standard they are creating is fake and not realistic, and it can create mental health problems for the followers
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 can not afford to achieve it.
Secondly
, the
beauty
standards
 created by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society are more and more demanding, and every little imperfection can cause a normal individual to not feel good about themselves. The improvement of medicine and technology now allows
people
 to remove their moles, create dimples, remove wrinkles, lose weight, create ‘hip-dips’ or create the so-called ‘fox eyes’, following every
beauty
 trend that appears once in a
while
 and achieving a perfect face or body, in the eyes of social
media
. In conclusion,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 believe that the
beauty
standards
 implied by influencers and social
media
 are unhealthy for
people
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and that they should resort to cosmetology surgery only if they truly feel that the change they are going to
do
Verb problem
make
show examples
 will make them truly happy.
Submitted by atomoiaga46 on

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Task Achievement
Make sure your essay has a balanced discussion on both aspects of the question - reasons for the trend and your opinion on its positivity or negativity. While your essay wonderfully outlines the reasons, incorporating more direct discussion on the positive or negative development of the phenomenon can enhance task achievement.
Task Achievement
Enhancing your examples with more specific instances or facts can strengthen the argument and provide a more vivid illustration of your points. For instance, mentioning studies or statistics related to social media's impact on beauty standards can add credibility to your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is logically structured, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, using transitional phrases between paragraphs and within paragraphs can improve the flow of ideas and maintain coherence.
Positive Highlight
You provided a well-thought-out argument on how social media influences beauty standards, showing a good understanding of the topic.
Positive Highlight
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points of your essay, reinforcing your stance on the issue.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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