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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say the best way to teach children to cooperate is through team sports at school. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#people #children #team #sports #school
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It is argued that some
people
Use synonyms
 think
team
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sports
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 activities are the
grandous
Correct your spelling
grandiose
grand
 method to enable
children
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working
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to work
show examples
 with other
people
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 in a
group
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.
However
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, I disagree with that sentiment because of the following reasons. To commence with, through
team
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sports
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,
nevertheless
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,
children
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 already design their own strategy to achieve collective purposes. It is because
in
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, in
show examples
sports
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,
children
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deem
Wrong verb form
are deemed
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 to be selective when
recruit
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recruiting
show examples
 other
people
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 to their teams.
In other words
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,
the
Correct your spelling
they
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 are likely to choose someone who is either already close or reliable to them since the purpose is to win a game, which contradicts
with
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apply
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the fundamental aims of working
together with
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 other
people
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.
Therefore
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, it deters them
to procure
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from procuring
show examples
 essential traits that can be learned through cooperative work
such
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 as tolerance and respect, as they think the situation is already under control. It can be seen when boys are likely teaming up with talented students in
football
Add an article
a football
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 match
,
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apply
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 and
left
Wrong verb form
leave
show examples
 behind some of their peers that cannot support them to win the game.
Furthermore
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, there is another activity
besides
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team
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sports
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that is
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 more effective to
taught
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teach
show examples
children
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on working
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to work
show examples
 as a
team
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. Take,
for example
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, a
group
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 project, where
children
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 are likely to be united with random
people
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 from different
background
Fix the agreement mistake
backgrounds
show examples
. Referring
from
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to
show examples
 Albert Bandura’s research,
this
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 method was found to be reliable and prominent among kindergarten students because they
were not solely focus
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were not solely focused
were not solely focusing
show examples
to accomplish
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on accomplishing
show examples
 collective purposes whilst they
also
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learn
Wrong verb form
learned
show examples
 to unify different personalities and values, which in turn
broadens
Wrong verb form
broadened
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 their perspectives.
Furthermore
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, the research
also
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 revealed that after
involved
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being involved
show examples
 in the
group
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 projects, students were willing to befriend
with
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apply
show examples
anyone in the classroom, which eventually
alleviate
Wrong verb form
alleviated
show examples
 social discrepancies between each student and
hinder
Wrong verb form
hindered
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 them from detrimental behaviours
such
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 as bullying. In conclusion, I disagree with the notion that
team
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sports
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is
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are
show examples
 the best approach to
introduce
Wrong verb form
introducing
show examples
children
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in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 working together. It is because
in
Add the comma(s)
, in
show examples
team
Use synonyms
sports
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,
children
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 already find their own way to achieve
collective
Add an article
the collective
a collective
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 purpose.
Moreover
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, I
also
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 think another pursuit
such
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 as
Use synonyms
group
Correct article usage
a group
show examples
project
Fix the agreement mistake
projects
show examples
 is more effective to
taught
Wrong verb form
teach
show examples
 them since
children
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are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not only learn to accomplish goals
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
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 potentially embark
several
Change preposition
on several
show examples
 traits that can benefit them in the long run.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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Introduction
Strengthen the introduction by stating your stance more clearly and outlining the essay's structure to guide the reader.
Coherence
Use a wider variety of transitional phrases to enhance the flow between ideas and paragraphs for better coherence.
Support
When presenting arguments, try to balance theoretical insights with practical examples for a stronger impact.
Conclusion
In your conclusion, briefly summarize your main points before reaffirming your stance to reinforce the essay's message.
Task Achievement
For a higher score, ensure your essay addresses all parts of the prompt. This includes providing a balanced view if the question asks for an opinion on the extent of agreement or disagreement.
Argument clarity
You provided a clear stance on the topic, showing good task response.
Example use
You gave specific examples to support your arguments, which strengthens your essay.
Structure
The essay is structured with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which organizes your ideas clearly.
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