IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people say the best way to teach children to cooperate is through team sports at school. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#people #children #team #sports #school
It is argued that some
people
 think
team
sports
 activities are the
grandous
Correct your spelling
grandiose
grand
 method to enable
children
working
Change the verb form
to work
show examples
 with other
people
 in a
group
.
However
, I disagree with that sentiment because of the following reasons. To commence with, through
team
sports
,
nevertheless
,
children
 already design their own strategy to achieve collective purposes. It is because
in
Add the comma(s)
, in
show examples
sports
,
children
deem
Wrong verb form
are deemed
show examples
 to be selective when
recruit
Change the verb form
recruiting
show examples
 other
people
 to their teams.
In other words
,
the
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
 are likely to choose someone who is either already close or reliable to them since the purpose is to win a game, which contradicts
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the fundamental aims of working
together with
 other
people
.
Therefore
, it deters them
to procure
Change preposition
from procuring
show examples
 essential traits that can be learned through cooperative work
such
 as tolerance and respect, as they think the situation is already under control. It can be seen when boys are likely teaming up with talented students in
football
Add an article
a football
show examples
 match
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and
left
Wrong verb form
leave
show examples
 behind some of their peers that cannot support them to win the game.
Furthermore
, there is another activity
besides
team
sports
that is
 more effective to
taught
Change the form of the verb
teach
show examples
children
on working
Change preposition
to work
show examples
 as a
team
. Take,
for example
, a
group
 project, where
children
 are likely to be united with random
people
 from different
background
Fix the agreement mistake
backgrounds
show examples
. Referring
from
Change preposition
to
show examples
 Albert Bandura’s research,
this
 method was found to be reliable and prominent among kindergarten students because they
were not solely focus
Change the verb form
were not solely focused
were not solely focusing
show examples
to accomplish
Change preposition
on accomplishing
show examples
 collective purposes whilst they
also
learn
Wrong verb form
learned
show examples
 to unify different personalities and values, which in turn
broadens
Wrong verb form
broadened
show examples
 their perspectives.
Furthermore
, the research
also
 revealed that after
involved
Add a missing verb
being involved
show examples
 in the
group
 projects, students were willing to befriend
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
anyone in the classroom, which eventually
alleviate
Wrong verb form
alleviated
show examples
 social discrepancies between each student and
hinder
Wrong verb form
hindered
show examples
 them from detrimental behaviours
such
 as bullying. In conclusion, I disagree with the notion that
team
sports
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 the best approach to
introduce
Wrong verb form
introducing
show examples
children
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 working together. It is because
in
Add the comma(s)
, in
show examples
team
sports
,
children
 already find their own way to achieve
collective
Add an article
the collective
a collective
show examples
 purpose.
Moreover
, I
also
 think another pursuit
such
 as
group
Correct article usage
a group
show examples
project
Fix the agreement mistake
projects
show examples
 is more effective to
taught
Wrong verb form
teach
show examples
 them since
children
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not only learn to accomplish goals
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 potentially embark
several
Change preposition
on several
show examples
 traits that can benefit them in the long run.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction
Strengthen the introduction by stating your stance more clearly and outlining the essay's structure to guide the reader.
Coherence
Use a wider variety of transitional phrases to enhance the flow between ideas and paragraphs for better coherence.
Support
When presenting arguments, try to balance theoretical insights with practical examples for a stronger impact.
Conclusion
In your conclusion, briefly summarize your main points before reaffirming your stance to reinforce the essay's message.
Task Achievement
For a higher score, ensure your essay addresses all parts of the prompt. This includes providing a balanced view if the question asks for an opinion on the extent of agreement or disagreement.
Argument clarity
You provided a clear stance on the topic, showing good task response.
Example use
You gave specific examples to support your arguments, which strengthens your essay.
Structure
The essay is structured with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which organizes your ideas clearly.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: