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Band 6.5

Some people say that too much attention and too many resources are given to protect animals and birds. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #attention #resources #animals #birds
There is ongoing debate regarding the allocation of attention and
resources
 towards the protection of animals and birds.
While
 some argue that too much emphasis is placed on safeguarding
wildlife
, I recognise the validity of
this
 viewpoint,
due to
 the pressing issues of poverty, lack of clean water, food scarcity, and inadequate healthcare and education in many parts of the world.
However
, prioritising funding for these necessities should not come at the expense of
wildlife
 conservation efforts. Admittedly, proponents of prioritising human-centric issues argue that directing excessive attention and
resources
 towards animal and bird conservation might divert crucial funding away from other pressing human needs.
For example
, in many regions plagued by poverty and deprivation, basic necessities
such
 as access to clean water, sufficient food, and adequate healthcare and education remain elusive for millions. Redirecting
such
 a vast amount of
resources
 towards addressing these fundamental human rights would potentially alleviate human suffering and improve the
overall
 well-being of communities.
Nonetheless
, it is imperative to acknowledge that safeguarding the natural world is an inherent responsibility of humanity.
This
 is because human activities,
such
 as deforestation, pollution, and illegal hunting, have significantly depleted both the quality and quantity of the world's
wildlife
. The rapid decline of various animal and bird species is not merely hypothetical;
t
Correct your spelling
it
 is a stark reality that cannot be ignored.
Therefore
, protecting these species is not only a matter of moral obligation but is
also
 crucial for the sustainability of ecosystems and the survival of future generations. In
summarising up
Wrong verb form
summary
show examples
,
while
 I agree that addressing human-centric issues should be a priority, I
also
 recognise the importance of
wildlife
 conservation.
Thus
, balancing
resources
 and attention between human welfare and environmental protection is crucial for achieving sustainable development and ensuring the well-being of both present and future generations.
Submitted by anhtutn034 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured, and you've done a great job of presenting your argument in a logical manner. However, incorporating more specific examples to support your arguments would make your essay even more compelling.
task achievement
You have addressed the task very effectively, presenting a balanced view and acknowledging both sides of the argument. Bringing in more varied sentence structures and complex language expressions could enhance the complexity of your writing.
task achievement
You have successfully conveyed a balanced perspective, acknowledging the importance of addressing human needs while also highlighting the necessity of wildlife conservation.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion provide a clear framework for your argument, making your stance and reasoning easy to follow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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