IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that all popular TV entertainment programmes should aim to educate viewers about important social issues. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #tv #entertainment #programmes #aim #viewers
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In recent times a significantly larger number of
people
 spend time
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching TV
programs
. Some of them
agrue
Correct your spelling
argue
agree
 that famous
programs
 should show and
say
Verb problem
talk
show examples
 about considerable problems in the world.
This
 essay totally disagrees with
this
 statement. Personally, I believe that every person has
right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
 to choose which program he wants to watch,
also
people
 may
would
Remove a modal verb
apply
show examples
like to relax and think about something easy
instead
 of serious issues of society.
Firstly
, by limiting
people
 in choosing a program, their human rights are violated.
In addition
, being the main population of the viewers, the older generation can take
information
Add an article
the information
show examples
 seriously,
whereas
this
 is only
journalists’
Correct article usage
the journalists’
show examples
 view on
situation
Add an article
the situation
a situation
show examples
.
As a result
, it leads to disagreements between citizens and government.
Secondly
, we live in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 cruel world with many problems
such
 as crime, pollution and global warming. Individuals who live in
community
Add an article
the community
a community
show examples
 already know or have experience with
this
issues
Fix the agreement mistake
issue
show examples
. Home is the place where they relax and forget about outdoor difficulties, so
programs
 like that can add stress
for
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to
show examples
 their life.
Thirdly
, if everyone
start
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starts
show examples
 showing educational
programs
, the channels will lose their consumers. It can be
reason
Add an article
the reason
a reason
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the bankruptcy of many television stations. Is it true that television stations
has
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have
show examples
 a significant impact on
people
 of all ages
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
However
, I believe that
programs
 like that are not the best way to
learn
Verb problem
teach
show examples
 citizens about social issues. In the era of
globalization
Add a comma
globalization,
show examples
 anyone can find any topic which they are interested in or switch to news.
Furthermore
, everyone has
Correct article usage
the rights
show examples
rights
Fix the agreement mistake
right
show examples
 to choose in
developed
Add an article
the developed
show examples
 world.
Submitted by perizatyelemessova on

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task response
To improve task response, ensure that you address all parts of the question. While you made a clear stance, adding more balanced discussion could strengthen the argument. For instance, consider acknowledging the potential benefits of educational content before refuting them.
coherence cohesion
Enhance coherence and cohesion by using more transition words and phrases to clearly link ideas and paragraphs. For example, words like 'however,' 'moreover,' and 'on the other hand' can help with flow.
task response
Support your main points with more specific examples. Real-life scenarios or references to particular TV shows can make your arguments more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Work on the conclusion to better summarize the key points discussed in the essay and to reinforce your stance more effectively.
adv language
Consider employing varied sentence structures and vocabulary to make the essay more engaging and demonstrate a higher level of English proficiency.
task response
The essay clearly states a position on the topic and maintains it throughout, which is vital for coherence and task achievement.
coherence cohesion
There is a logical progression of ideas from the introduction to the conclusion, which contributes to overall coherence.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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