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Writing Samples
Band 6

In some countries it is now illigal to reject someone applying for a job because of his or her age. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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Anti-discrimination against someone’s
age
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 is a common observation in many countries. Even more so, some countries are obligated to allow all
ages
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 to apply for open vacancies. In my opinion,
while
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 there are both advantages and disadvantages to allowing all
ages
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 to apply, the
overall
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 impact leans toward the negative. One paramount concern is that some
occupations
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 undoubtedly require a certain amount of years
experience
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of experience
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 to fully comprehend the
job
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 requirements.
For example
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, Marine Exploration in Iraq requires all applicants to be at least 35 years old, as the
job
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 is mentally draining.
Moreover
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,
occupations
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 like pilots, surgeons or sergeants often require excessive life experience and failure to
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this
Add a missing verb
do this
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 could lead to depression or post-traumatic stress disorder. Given
this
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, it is evident that there are certain
occupations
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who
Correct pronoun usage
that
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 require an individual to obtain a sufficient amount of life experience, and legalizing all
ages
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 to apply might have a negative outcome. Despite
this
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, one notable benefit is the
unparallel
Correct your spelling
unparalleled
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 convenience that it offers pensioners.
For instance
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, Global Engineering has no retirement
age
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 as they believe some minds do not
age
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 and can still be beneficial to the company.
However
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, the likelihood that an underaged child or pensioner can perform at the same performance level as a seasoned specialist in its prime is scarce.
Thus
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, it is my contention that
job
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 vacancies should rather have an
age
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 restriction. In conclusion, allowing all
ages
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 to apply for a
job
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 can be beneficial for individuals who can do the tasks no matter their
age
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.
However
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, there are too many
occupations
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 that must have an
age
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 restriction
due to
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 mental maturity. If people of all
ages
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 are allowed to apply for jobs,
then
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 certain
occupations
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 might not be able to perform as they should.

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Introduction
Ensure your introduction clearly states your opinion and outlines the main points you will discuss. This provides a clear roadmap for your essay.
Support
Provide more varied examples and evidence to support your points. While the examples given are relevant, adding more could strengthen your argument.
Balance
Work on the balance of your viewpoints. Acknowledge the counterargument more effectively by discussing it in more depth. This will show a wider understanding of the topic.
Coherence
To enhance the coherence of your essay, try to use a wider range of linking words and phrases. This will help your ideas flow more smoothly and make your argument more convincing.
Thesis Statement
You have a clear thesis statement which is good practice for setting the direction of your essay.
Structure
Your essay structure is logical, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which helps the reader follow your argument easily.
Examples
You included specific examples to support your points, which adds credibility to your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • age discrimination
  • inclusive workplace
  • workplace diversity
  • workforce experience
  • equality in hiring
  • age-related stereotypes
  • demographic changes
  • economic growth
  • social security systems
  • consumer spending
  • non-discriminatory policies
  • bias
  • fair practices
  • retirement age
  • intergenerational collaboration
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