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Writing Samples
Band 7

New household appliances have resulted in more free time for women and have enabled them to both works and run a home with dependent children. What are the advantages of a family when the mother works? Do you think the disadvantages outweigh the advantages?

#household #appliances #time #women #works #home #children #mother
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In the modern era,
due to
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technology
Replace the word
technological
show examples
 advancements, women have more free time and can use it for a job. I am convinced that families where the mother has a job have a number of benefits, and they outweigh the drawbacks. In
this
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 essay, I plan to spot my perspectives and substantiate them with examples. On the one hand,
this
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 phenomenon has a few disadvantages and the foremost among them is the decreased amount of care, attention, and time that a parent, staying at home, devotes to his child. Obviously, the shortage of parental love and care can cause self-doubt in a kid and,
as a result
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, harm him.
For example
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, I faced
such
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 a situation when I went to work 4 months after the birth of my first child and was forced to hire a nurse.
On the other hand
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, in many situations, it is highly challenging to do a standard living when only one parent works. Needless to say, two-income families have more money and,
as a result
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, more financial stability that leads to prosperity and a comfortable atmosphere in the home.
Additionally
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, in these conditions, there is always an opportunity to find solutions to properly manage children's activities
such
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 as numerous kindergartens where they could remain safe until the mother and father are in the office.
Moreover
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, having a half-time job is
also
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 a possible scenario in which all family members can be satisfied. In conclusion,
although
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 the mother's absence can be detrimental to her kid, I still believe that adding extra income to the family budget can help improve the lives of the offspring.
Submitted by ruben.kirakosyan on

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coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea, which is clearly introduced at the beginning. While your essay did well in structure, clearer topic sentences for each paragraph could enhance readability.
task achievement
Integrate specific examples more effectively to support your points. While your essay uses examples, ensuring they are detailed and directly linked to the main points can strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Balance the discussion of advantages and disadvantages more evenly. Your essay leans heavily towards the advantages, so providing more detail or examples for the disadvantages could improve balance.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction and conclusion are well-crafted, offering a clear roadmap of your essay and summarizing your main points succinctly.
logical structure
The essay has a good logical structure, making it easy to follow your argument throughout.
coherence cohesion
You've made good use of transitional phrases to link ideas and paragraphs, which enhances the flow of your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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