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Writing Samples
Band 6

Many parents send their children on educational trips inside and outside of their country. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?

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Parents support their
children
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's growth by giving educational trips to gain more
knowledge
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. In
this
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 essay, I will examine the benefits and drawbacks of trips for academic purposes for
children
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. On the one hand, having an outing to study for
children
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 gives the disadvantages.
Firstly
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, by accepting the parent's order to enrol in the academic trip,
children
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 can not fulfil their individual plans for their own hobbies and activities
such
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 as playing football, swimming, or watching movies. In
this
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 situation,
children
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 could be stressed as they have no time to relieve their stress after doing full-time study in their school and participating in extra programs.
On the other hand
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,
children
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 who are sent to have an education trip gain benefits. In the beginning,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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educational tours could lead
children
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 to have new friends to talk, to share, or play
.
Change preposition
with.
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For example
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, if
children
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 do an extra activity for a study trip, they will meet a new friend in their class.
This
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 is a good thing for them to know more people.
Furthermore
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, when
children
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 decide to join an academic in the extra activity, they will have much
knowledge
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 as they hear, read, or maybe do the task
while
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 joining the program.
Moreover
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, the
knowledge
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 they get will make them more valuable than their friends who did not participate in the program. In conclusion,
while
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 sending
children
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 to join educational trips may have
drawback
Fix the agreement mistake
drawbacks
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 like making them stressed, it offers more advantages
such
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 as meeting new friends and gaining valuable experience and
knowledge
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 which will make them more vulnerable than others.

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What works well

2
coherence cohesion

You have a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively outlining and summarizing your essay's arguments.

coherence cohesion

Your essay benefits from a logical structure, with distinct paragraphs for advantages and disadvantages, which aids in reader comprehension.

Improvement Suggestions

3
task achievement

To further improve, make sure that your essay has a clear and direct response to the question from the start. This allows readers to immediately understand your stance and the direction of your argument.

task achievement

Try to include more detailed and varied examples to support your arguments. Specific examples add depth to your points and show a comprehensive understanding of the topic.

coherence cohesion

While your essay demonstrates good logical structure, focusing on smoothing transitions between paragraphs and ideas can enhance the flow of your writing. Consider using more linking phrases to guide your reader through your argument.

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