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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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While
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 some think that adding more and more
sports
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 centres is the most beneficial way to improve the community's
health
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, others believe that there are better ways to do
this
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.
Although
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 increasing the number of gyms would motivate
people
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 to exercise more and become healthier, I firmly believe that educating them about
health
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 is far more effective. On the one hand, building more
sports
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 centres could help to encourage
people
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 to do more physical activities.
This
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 is because several individuals complain about their living location and assume that it is inconvenient to access those
facilities
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. So, they will have no excuse if there is a gym next to their house or their work.
That is
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 why constructing more
sports
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facilities
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 will ensure that a vast majority of
people
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 have easy access to
sports
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 centres and eventually improve their
health
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.
For instance
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, in many nations, those
sports
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facilities
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 can be seen in almost all parks which attracts many elder
people
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 who have great concern about their
health
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 to exercise regularly every morning.
However
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, I think that
this
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 is a temporary fix and better steps should be taken.
On the other hand
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, educating them about the importance of
health
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 is a better and long-lasting solution. The media should focus on encouraging
people
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 to take good care of their
health
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as well as
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 warn them about possible
health
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 diseases
such
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 as heart failure and diabetes. Even in schools, young children should be educated about
health
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 from a young age in order to grow as healthy adults.
For example
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, the average life expectancy in many countries where education focuses significantly on
health
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 tends to be higher than in countries that do not have any concern.
Therefore
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, I believe that
this
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 is the best way to maintain and improve the
health
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 of the whole community. In conclusion,
while
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 increasing the number of
sports
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facilities
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 can encourage and facilitate
people
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 to do more exercise and improve their
health
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, educating them about
health
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 is far more important in the long run.

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Task Achievement
To further enhance your Task Achievement score, include more specific examples or data to support your arguments. This could involve citing studies, quoting experts, or providing statistical evidence that strengthens your discussion.
Coherence & Cohesion
Consider exploring a wider range of transitional phrases to connect your ideas more smoothly and enhance the flow of your essay. While your current transitions are effective, variety will add sophistication to your writing.
Task Achievement
For a holistic discussion, you might want to briefly acknowledge potential counterarguments to your view and explain why your perspective still holds. This will demonstrate critical thinking and add depth to your analysis.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay presents a clear structure with a well-defined introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
Task Achievement
You effectively addressed both views on improving public health and convincingly articulated your own opinion, showing a comprehensive understanding of the task.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your main points are well-supported and easy to follow, contributing effectively to the essay's coherence and cohesion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • inclusivity
  • participation
  • safe environment
  • social interaction
  • community engagement
  • comprehensive approach
  • health education programs
  • environmental factors
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • quality healthcare services
  • public health initiatives
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