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Band 7

The benefits of computers in modern society far outweigh the disadvantages. What do you think? You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.

#computers #society #support #arguments #evidence
In contemporary
society
, the usage of
computers
 has become increasingly prominent. Some argue that electronic devices have benefited various aspects of daily living,
whereas
 some believe it gives rise to excessive screen time and addiction. Personally, I strongly advocate the former view.
However
,
this
 essay aims to analyse the benefits and drawbacks of
this
 phenomenon. One paramount
benefit
 of technology is the unparalleled convenience it offers
various
Change preposition
for various
show examples
 aspects of daily living.
For instance
, Medicare Hospital has utilized
computers
 in
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 workplace, which can be especially beneficial during complex operations.
Moreover
, Artificial Intelligence can enhance learning for students, making information more interesting and easy to obtain.
Furthermore
,
due to
 technology, people are able to communicate over long distances through apps.
Hence
, it is evident that
computers
 have the potential to
benefit
 modern
society
 in numerous ways. Despite
this
, one momentous concern is the heightened risk of overuse.
For example
, a recent study conducted by AI Future revealed that 35% of individuals are spending too much time interacting with
computers
.
Furthermore
, it is imperative to consider that excessive screen time can cause momentous health risks
such
 as eye impairments and bad posture.
In addition
,
this
 trend can
also
 cause someone to get addicted.
Thus
, it is notable that electronic devices have drawbacks. In conclusion,
while
 it is noted that
computers
 can
benefit
society
, they can
also
 cause health risks. It is my opinion that the advantages of
computers
 far outweigh the disadvantages. If
computers
 continue to advance,
then
 they will
benefit
society
 in the foreseeable future.
Submitted by jessicajreichel on

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coherence cohesion
Great job on constructing a well-organized essay. Each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence, smoothly leading into supportive arguments and examples.
task achievement
Your examples and evidence, such as the mention of Medicare Hospital and the study by AI Future, significantly strengthen your argument. Providing such specific instances adds credibility to your claims.
coherence cohesion
While your conclusion succinctly summarizes the essay and reiterates your stance, consider expanding on the implications or potential future developments to enrich your closing remarks.
task achievement
To further enhance your essay, consider adding a counterargument paragraph where you acknowledge the opposing view more deeply before refuting it. This could provide a more balanced perspective and further showcase your argumentative skills.
coherence cohesion
Effectively organized essay structure
task achievement
Use of specific examples and evidence
coherence cohesion
Clear introduction and conclusion reinforcing your stance

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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