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Band 8

Some people assert that it is good for college students to have part-jobs. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #college #students #part-jobs
Despite the academic achievement, it is suggested that higher education students develop some soft skills. For
this
 purpose, people encourage
college
 students to experience working life by taking part-
time
 jobs. I certainly agree with
this
 opinion in some conditions.
To begin
 with, there are some benefits that can be achieved when pursuing
college
 and doing part-
time
 jobs at the same
time
.
Firstly
, it may help them to develop some skills, including
time
 management.
This
 is because they need to manage their
time
 effectively, select their task priority, and organize their activities. Another advantage is that it enables them to earn their own money which may reduce the financial burden on their families.
For example
, earning money
while
 studying may benefit the first child of a big family.
Furthermore
, it allows them to manage their own finances and have financial independence. Albeit advantageous, those benefits are only possible to be reached when they have strong self-regulation,
otherwise
, they may experience shortcomings. The first potential disadvantage is the decline in their academic performance. It happens because balancing work and study can be challenging and working may consume most of their study
time
.
Next,
another drawback is that they may not have
time
 to refresh their mind after tiring days at
college
 and work.
Furthermore
, it may increase their stress level and suffer from mental illnesses. In summary, there are some reasons to support
college
 students with great self-regulation to work part-
time
. These reasons include the possibility to improve their management skills and to have financial independence. Without strong self-regulation, they may face shortcomings
such
 as a decline in academic performance and mental sicknesses.
Submitted by serlyayus on

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Task Achievement
Ensure to balance the discussion of both the benefits and challenges of part-time jobs for students, giving equal weight and depth to both sides of the argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
To enhance clarity, consider using transitional phrases more effectively to smoothly transition from one idea to the next, especially when switching from discussing benefits to potential disadvantages.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your introduction sets a clear framework for the discussion, clearly stating your agreement with the premise under certain conditions.
Task Achievement
You have provided specific examples, such as the financial independence of the first child in a big family, which strengthens your argument and supports your main points effectively.
Coherence & Cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points, providing a clear stance based on the preceding discussion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Time management
  • Professional skills
  • Financial independence
  • Network expansion
  • Real-world application
  • Academic commitments
  • Organizational skills
  • Communication
  • Teamwork
  • Problem-solving
  • Professional network
  • Extracurricular activities
  • Stress levels
  • Reducing the financial burden
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