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Band 5

Childhood obesity is becoming a serious problem in many countries. Explain the main causes and effects of this problem, and suggest some possible solutions.

#childhood #obesity #countries #effects
In today’s world childhood obesity is one of the most pressing problems. There are many reasons for
this
 issue and many effects have been associated with it.
However
, I believe that several steps could be followed to improve
this
 situation. There are two main factors that
are contributed
Wrong verb form
contribute
show examples
 to
Change noun form
children's
show examples
children
 obesity. One is bad eating habits: eating junk foods like MacDonald’s and drinking sugary soft drinks. Another possible factor could be that
children
 nowadays tend to have a sedentary lifestyle, they play computer games,
chat
Correct word choice
and chat
show examples
 on the internet rather than doing
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 or playing outside.
As a consequence
, of these factors,
children
 these days are becoming obese. They are overweight, unhealthy and unfit to play or to do any physical exercise. Another devastating effect is that, the higher risk of heart
diseases
Fix the agreement mistake
disease
show examples
, diabetes and cancer. These diseases put a strain on hospitals and they are going to be a heavy burden in the future.
On the other hand
, I think there are several measurements
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
show examples
 be done by parents, governments and schools.
Firstly
, giving
children
 healthy food,
control
Wrong verb form
controlling
show examples
 what they eat and
ensure
Wrong verb form
ensuring
show examples
 that they have a healthy diet.
For example
,
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 diet that includes more vegetables and less fat
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
.
Secondly
, governments can limit junk food advertisements or prohibit those which are directed
to
Change preposition
at
show examples
children
.
Finally
, restrict the time they spend on
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 and video games, and encourage them to do regular exercise. In conclusion, it is true that obesity among
children
 with its negative impacts, is growing at an alarming rate but it seems to me that there are many solutions to tackle
this
 problem.
Submitted by huiloksumstephanie on

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coherence cohesion
Consider using a wider range of linking devices to improve the flow of your essay.
task achievement
Try to include more specific examples to support your main points more effectively.
general
Review your essay for minor grammatical errors and aim for more variety in sentence structures for a higher score.
coherence cohesion
Effective introduction and conclusion that clearly outline the essay's structure and purpose.
task achievement
Good job identifying main causes and effects of childhood obesity.
task achievement
The suggestions for solutions are practical and well-thought-out.

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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