IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Childhood obesity is becoming a serious problem in many countries. Explain the main causes and effects of this problem, and suggest some possible solutions.

#childhood #obesity #countries #effects
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In today’s world childhood obesity is one of the most pressing problems. There are many reasons for
this
Linking Words
 issue and many effects have been associated with it.
However
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, I believe that several steps could be followed to improve
this
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 situation. There are two main factors that
are contributed
Wrong verb form
contribute
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 to
Change noun form
children's
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children
Use synonyms
 obesity. One is bad eating habits: eating junk foods like MacDonald’s and drinking sugary soft drinks. Another possible factor could be that
children
Use synonyms
 nowadays tend to have a sedentary lifestyle, they play computer games,
chat
Correct word choice
and chat
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 on the internet rather than doing
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
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 or playing outside.
As a consequence
Linking Words
, of these factors,
children
Use synonyms
 these days are becoming obese. They are overweight, unhealthy and unfit to play or to do any physical exercise. Another devastating effect is that, the higher risk of heart
diseases
Fix the agreement mistake
disease
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, diabetes and cancer. These diseases put a strain on hospitals and they are going to be a heavy burden in the future.
On the other hand
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, I think there are several measurements
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
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 be done by parents, governments and schools.
Firstly
Linking Words
, giving
children
Use synonyms
 healthy food,
control
Wrong verb form
controlling
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 what they eat and
ensure
Wrong verb form
ensuring
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 that they have a healthy diet.
For example
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
a
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 diet that includes more vegetables and less fat
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
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.
Secondly
Linking Words
, governments can limit junk food advertisements or prohibit those which are directed
to
Change preposition
at
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children
Use synonyms
.
Finally
Linking Words
, restrict the time they spend on
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 and video games, and encourage them to do regular exercise. In conclusion, it is true that obesity among
children
Use synonyms
 with its negative impacts, is growing at an alarming rate but it seems to me that there are many solutions to tackle
this
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 problem.
Submitted by huiloksumstephanie on

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coherence cohesion
Consider using a wider range of linking devices to improve the flow of your essay.
task achievement
Try to include more specific examples to support your main points more effectively.
general
Review your essay for minor grammatical errors and aim for more variety in sentence structures for a higher score.
coherence cohesion
Effective introduction and conclusion that clearly outline the essay's structure and purpose.
task achievement
Good job identifying main causes and effects of childhood obesity.
task achievement
The suggestions for solutions are practical and well-thought-out.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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