IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In some countries celebrities have higher salaries than senior politicans. what is the reason? do you think it is a positive or negative development?

#countries #celebrities #salaries #politicans #reason #development
It is said that in some countries, celebrities are currently capable of having higher incomes in comparison to senior
politicans
Correct your spelling
politicians
.
While
 there is a distinct reason for
this
 matter, I believe that it is a negative development that can cause bad after-effects. The reason for the higher salaries of celebrities is the power that media exposure allows them;
furthermore
, their preferences and choices are able to impact those of their audience.
This
 matter results in various companies reaching out to them so that they showcase the company's products;
consequently
, These types of partnerships lead to their gain of great income.
For instance
, If a celebrity begins using a particular service, it occurs to their followers that the said service is of significant quality and importance;
thus
, the company earns more and in
turn
Add a comma
turn,
show examples
 the same happens to the public figure.
While
this
 development is solely caused by the public figure's likelihood, it might still result in negative consequences for the senior
politicans
Correct your spelling
politicians
. As the power of each individual is mostly recognized by their wealth,
politicans
Correct your spelling
politicians
 might appear to be of less importance and power than the former group. Taking into account that they have a great role in leading the country, their lower profile might cause lesser obeyance from citizens;
thus
, taking away from their authority. In conclusion,
although
 celebrities deserve to amass a noticeable fortune
due to
 their social
endeavors
Change the spelling
endeavours
show examples
, it has a bad impact on other professions
such
 as senior
politicans
Correct your spelling
politicians
 who are vital members of any country.
Overall
,
reduction
Correct article usage
a reduction
show examples
 of their earnings may be a feasible plan for attending to
this
 matter.
Submitted by viana.elahi on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Example specificity
Try to provide more specific examples to support your arguments. For instance, mentioning specific celebrities or case studies could make your essay more compelling.
Balanced Argument
Consider exploring both sides of the argument more thoroughly to provide a more balanced view. Your essay strongly leans towards the negative aspects; including benefits could enrich your discussion.
Structure
You have done a great job in structuring your essay with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.
Flow
Your essay flows well, with each paragraph logically leading into the next. This makes your argument easy to follow.
Cohesion
You effectively use connecting words to maintain coherence throughout your essay, which enhances its readability.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: