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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

It is importatnt for people to take risk, both in their professional lives and their personal lives. Do you think the advantages of taking risks outweight the disadvantages?

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Both in their careers and their individual lives, it is crucial for humankind to take risks. In today's climate,
engage
Wrong verb form
engaging
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 in risk-taking has become
controversial
Add an article
a controversial
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 minefield.
However
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, some
people
Use synonyms
 find it too hazardous to take daring actions, there's always
good
Correct article usage
a good
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 side
in
Change preposition
to
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 it.
To begin
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 with,
to step
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stepping
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 out of comfort zone is one kind of advantage
of
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apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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. If
people
Use synonyms
 cannot do anything to step out, they will end up stagnant or may regret that they did not do anything. Even if
people
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 make mistakes, it is the nature of humankind that we learn through mistakes.
Also
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,
embracing
Wrong verb form
embrace
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 failures and accept that it is okay to make bold decisions and fail. Failure is the catalyst as a teacher no matter how unpleasant the situation is. The classical example of
this
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 is Steve Jobs who is well known as co-founded Apple. He was a student at Reed College and majored in English. After just one semester, he dropped out of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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college but he successfully co-founded Apple,
revolutionised
Correct word choice
and revolutionised
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 the tech industry. During his co-founding Apple, Jobs experienced several setbacks and failures but his ability to learn from these setbacks is a compelling example of how resilience can lead to achievements.
On the other hand
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, the drawback of taking risks is
that
Correct word choice
apply
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the possibility of failure. Individuals have to prepare themselves for the consequences of possible situations. Even though, I mentioned that resilience
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
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 to success, sometimes it is
waste
Correct article usage
a waste
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 of time and energy If the thing is not worth it.
Furthermore
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,
people
Use synonyms
 need to deliberately plan and acknowledge the danger. The example of
this
Linking Words
 case, in 2008 there was a huge financial crisis all around the world. The reason was that it was
due to
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 risky investments by banks and it led to endangering circumstances.
To conclude
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, everything has
unwelcoming
Correct article usage
an unwelcoming
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 and pleasant side.
However
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, I think If individuals have the ability to
aware
Add a missing verb
be aware
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the
Change preposition
of the
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 welcoming side of the unpleasant, everything will fall into place so that the advantages are
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
higher than the disadvantages.

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general
Keep ensuring that your essay has a clear logical structure - introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task achievement
Continue to include specific examples to support your points, as you did with Steve Jobs.
coherence cohesion
Try to vary your sentence structure and use a wider range of vocabulary to enhance readability and engagement.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to clearly differentiate your paragraphs to make your essay easier to follow.
task achievement
You made a compelling argument in favor of taking risks, balanced by acknowledging potential drawbacks.
task achievement
Including the example of Steve Jobs was effective in illustrating your point.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion neatly encapsulates your thesis, demonstrating good essay structure.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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